Where I'm at

It has been a long time between posts. Sorry about that. I have not been feeling like much of a success at anything, so have just felt deflated and like I have been going around in circles. Doing the same things, saying the same things.

Re-reading a few of my posts, I guess I am in a pretty static kind of pattern. Not much has changed really. I am still over-weight. Parenting is getting easier as the kids get bigger, though I still have moments of big stress and anxiety with it all. WonderHubby and I are doing really well together, though we are usually pretty happy with each other and it was never a concern of mine to improve or change our relationship. I did begin studying, and I am happy to say passed my first Bachelor's degree (in Early Childhood Teaching). I finally have my degree, after 8 years of on and off study! I applied to do the Bachelor in Primary Teaching, though after a slow, and not so great start (with sick children and myself being sick at the beginning of the course) I have put that on hold until this time next year. I am going to enjoy just being a wife, mum and me for now.

Unfortunately I am no fitter, stronger or lighter than I was before. I have actually gained a little more weight, and neither have I really come to terms at all with how I am or who I am. Which does not help my desire and need to lose weight and get fit at all. I have begun to research some different methods of controlling weight and ways to learn to love yourself. I'm trying hard to just get on with liking myself. For the way I am now. Not for the way I want to be, or the way people tell me I 'should' be. I'm working on it still.

I think the changes I need are mental. Once my head is in the right space, then the body will follow. I don't want to 'diet'. I want to be able to eat healthy foods and exercise, like I used to, and just be fit and active and happy in life. But a lifetime of self deprecation and self loathing will take a long time to change. It will take time for me to think myself worthy of loving me. I think my mind is changing slowly. My thoughts are becoming more positive. But I have more negative thoughts than good when I think of me. It's hard for me to list good things about myself, to say positive aspects of me. If someone shames me somehow, or says something negative about me, I am quick to believe it, and it takes a lot of hard work to change that. Particularly when it's friends and family, and particularly when it's about what I look like, wear, eat or do fitness wise. Even if it's unintentional, I am quick to believe the negative stuff and find it really hard to actually believe the positive stuff. And it's even harder for me to truly believe and say it about myself.

My 35th birthday is in a few days and that is totally not helping in making me feel any better about myself and where I'm at. Whilst I realise aging is inevitable, I am feeling decidedly old this year. I put it down to a combination of my children growing so fast before my eyes, me feeling old because I am overweight and unfit, and just the fact I am 35. It feels like such an 'adult' age. I also don't feel like I'm having a lot of fun with life. The kids are my main focus, and between Buggyboo insisting 4am is the perfect time to wake up of a morning, Bear Bear having tantrums and meltdowns at school every morning when I leave her, and Little Dude having some sort of testosterone surge, with anger, frustration and hyper activity as symptoms, the burdens of day to day life get just a little boring, and laborious. Plus there isn't much fun to be had here in the sticks...

Tomorrow begins my first attempts in a long time to start getting into an exercise routine of some sort. I will be starting off very easily. A little walking, a little stretching and a little weight bearing stuff. Nothing too strenuous, and no big expectations of myself. Things I can do in my time, by myself, or with the kids around.

So that's it I guess. The last few months in a nutshell. Kind of. There have been a few more memorable things happen, but I will leave it there for now. Here's to learning to love me.