I had been struggling with things a weeks or so ago. By 'things' I mean my internal voices. My own consciousness which tells me what I want and what I am aiming for with my life. At the moment, with being a stay at home mum, a lot of my life is about my family. My kids and husband. What I should do for them, what they want, what I can do to help them be happy.
Though recently I had realised, that I wasn't doing anything of what *I* wanted. Almost at all. Nothing of my life was for me. Which was why I started this blog- to help me focus a little bit on that. A little bit of myself. Bring what I enjoy doing, entirely for myself back into being! It was also doing what I want to do, listening to those little voices, which tell me to keep the house cleaner, to cook and feed my family better food, to be a more attentive wife and mother.
I did lose focus again, for a little bit. Then I re-read my first few blogs. I remembered how I felt then. Quite lost and at a loss. So I refocused on what I really do want. Some of it was about becoming a better wife and mum, but I think mostly I need to become a version of me that suits my situation right now. A stay-at-home mum to three young children. Wife to WonderHubby. A full time house wife. Personally I am overweight, unfit and unfocused. A little mentally unchallenged. Right now, that is my life.
Since starting to write my 'stuff' down, I have been more focused. I have been doing better and being just me, not mum, not wife, not housekeeper. Though I am all of those things, I am also finding out who *I* am too again. I am a different me to who I was when I wasn't a mum. But I also am that same person, just kind of upgraded a bit. I have read a few books recently, which was something I loved to do pre-kids, but gave up doing when I had kids. I couldn't focus enough to read a book, so I just didn't.
I have read two books since I started out with my blog in May. Just fluffy, easy to read stuff, but they're books none the less. Something I can lose myself in and daydream about. And it's something for me, and only me. I also went on my holiday, which was something I hadn't even thought I would do, but it was so great! It was a wonderful way to rediscover myself a little bit.
I have been making a monumental effort to keep the house in a reasonable state. I have started doing Flylady - a system to help you get into a stay in routines which keep your house organised and tidy- again (here's a link 'Flylady' if you're curious!). WonderHubby had been putting in a lot of effort to help too, and we're doing pretty well. Since returning from my holiday, about 2 1/2wks ago now, the house has been tidy enough to have someone over, without me freaking out about the mess, or apologising profusely to my guests about the mess!
WonderHubby enrolled me into a uni course I have been saying I will enroll into for a long time. I might be back at uni, via correspondence as of November. It will be great to get my brain working again.
Mum-wise and wife-wise, I think I'm doing ok. My kids are pretty happy. We do things almost every day together. We go to the park, to mothers group twice a week, playgroup once a week, play dates, dancing, preschool/daycare, library story time, bike riding at the oval....today we will go kite-flying. I could do more with them at home, and I am working on it, and forgetting the house work. It is all a really delicate balance of where I am happy with how the house looks and what the kids want.
As for the wifey stuff, WH and I try to eat dinner together, after the kids go to bed a few times a week. It is time we can really listen to each other and talk and have a laugh and just be us. Me and him. It's been a long time since we have just been *us*. We both miss it. So we're making an effort to do that together. We don't have family here to help with the kids and rarely get time out together, so we really only have time when the kids are sleeping, if WH isn't on a night shift!
I have also thought about what I want physically for myself. I SO do not want to be so fat any more. I am unfit, weak, inflexible and not enjoying being physical at all. I tried doing rolly-poly's (ie, a somersault) and a cart-wheel with Bear the other day. Whilst it was probably the funniest thing I have ever tried to do recently, and Bear thought it was absolutely freaking hilarious...It was also saddening to me that I couldn't even do a rolly-poly or cart wheel with her, because I AM so rolly poly!
So, I have done really well this past week to eat healthy foods, make the right choices, I have exercised a bit (not as much as I *should* have, but more than I normally would have). I am getting there again. Into that focused head-space, where losing weight and getting fit is no longer a huge personal struggle with myself on a daily basis. It is natural and organic, and I am not 'faking it til I make it' like I so often do to try to force myself to do what my head tells me I should be doing.
I have even been toying with the idea of going back to work casually. To work some of the days that WonderHubby is home. To keep up with the changes that are happening in my industry and to just enjoy what I am good at doing. I do love my job (The one I get paid for, not the one I do at home! Though, I mostly love that one too!), and I am good at it. It feels good to be good at things, and to feel successful, so working would give me that sense of achievement, which I don't get so much at home.
So I have come to the epiphany that if I am happier, then I am better at what I do. I am a better mum, wife and housewife if I am doing what I enjoy. If I am happy with how I look, then I am more confident. If I eat well and exercise, I have more energy for the things I have to do like the dreary old house work. If I feel challenged (through reading books/studying/working), then I have more capacity to do the mundane things which are unchallenging, like playing barbies, having the same conversations or building train tracks with the kids. If I have time out, I have more patience and more tolerance to be with my little people who love to touch me and hug me and be on me, and at me AAALLLLLL day.
So that saying really is true- Happy wife= happy life!
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