I'm looking at you 2016!!

I've been uncomfortable in my own skin for...well, a really long time. Since I can remember, really. Even though, before having my kids, I was never overweight, I was fit and healthy. But I still didn't like how I looked. I couldn't appreciate how fit and strong I was.

Now, I am overweight and unfit and kinda unhealthy (mostly for the fact that I am 35+ kg overweight!), I am learning to appreciate myself for all of my flaws. I can't say I like how I look, because I don't, but I can look at myself and be real. I can see what my body can do. I can appreciate the fact that I am me. I am blessed with being healthy (I don't have any diseases- temporary, permanent, congenital or otherwise) my body works as it's supposed to. With some work, I can be fit and healthy again. With dedication and consistency. And I can appreciate myself for what I am; healthy, kind, giving, intelligent and all the rest of it! I suppose that kind of wisdom comes with age and life experience.

But I am still 35kg overweight. And I do want to get fitter and healthier. This last year, I have said goodbye to 8 kgs. At my heaviest I was 111kg, and as of today, I am 103kg. Even after the indulgences of Christmas, it's still gone! So it would seems, it's permanent. And whilst I'm pleased to be able to say I lost 8kg, rather than gained anything, I did aim to have done more with my health and fitness. I didn't really get close to what I aimed to achieve.

Each year since I started blogging I have had similar goals. I need to figure out a way to make it happen. I need to find my motivator. Because it seems being fit and healthy for myself and family, just isn't doing it for me. I have the motivation of a holiday in 6 months time for this year. I'm hoping that's enough to get me started and then to keep me going. I also plan to contact two friends who have lost a lot of weight to pick their brains. I'm going to wirte more too. Maybe here in my blog, or maybe just in a journal.

All-in-all, this year has been a pretty good one. A bit non eventful, after our big move from the bush in 2014. But a good year none the less. Everyone settled into our new home, and it really does feel like we belong here. I made some wonderful new friends. Bear and Little Dude went from strength to strength with sports and school achievements; with making friends and finding their own special niches. Buggy made some great little friends and completed his last year of pre school. WonderHubby settled into work and has loved the new challenges it's brought him. Life settled into a lovely rhythm.

2016 already promises to be a pretty big one, even though we haven't quite said good bye to 2015. My beautiful (not so much of a) baby turns 5 and starts big school. Little Dude and Bear turn 8 and 9 this year, and will be going into years 2 and 3 at school. We will be buying our own home. I will be studying and completing another college degree. I will probably be going back to work. And I will be reviewing on my goal of travelling more, starting with an 11 day trip to Fiji with two wonderful friends! And those are just the biggest details of the year, the ones that are pre-planned! I'm excited, and also a little daunted by the enormity of what it seems it will be. I think it might just be a bit crazy-busy, and a lot of it new to us all, but it will be perfect, so long as I have my amazing family with me. We will get it done, together!

Plodding along, turtle style

As the title suggests, I'm still on my journey of trying to find a place that suits me, a place in my mind, in the world, in my own skin, which is just the right place for my soul to settle and be happily content.

I have lost 6 kilos this year to date. Though the last month or so, I have come to a stand still with the weight loss. I have had plantar faciitis, which has been increasingly painful, and for the last 3-4 weeks, I have stopped walking, unless necessary, due to the pain in my foot. But since seeing the doctor, I have been stretching/massaging it out and it's gotten sooo much better.

So, I am going to start with walking again, to try and kick-start weight loss happening again. I am also going to cut out sugar in my coffee and tea, and I need to drink more water. I'm also making sure I eat a decent breaky (lately it's been over night oats with almond milk, crushed  linseeds and almonds, peanut butter and some dark chocolate), which has been easy in the school holidays, since we're home and I can focus on healthy, instead of easy, which is what I do when we're doing the school days thing.

I am feeling a bit of anxiety over my health and the need to be healthy. We have had a few friends experiencing health issues, which are likely due to being unhealthy/overweight, plus the fact that we're getting older and our bodies are just not as strong as they were in our early 30's and 20's. Whilst they haven't been horrifically serious problems, they have made me think of myself and WonderHubby and the fact that we're not doing ourselves (and especially our kids) any favours by being so unhealthy. It scares me to think something serious could happen to either of us, especially since we're each others biggest support.

I am happy with the slow progress I'm making, though. I want this to be a lasting and manageable change. I don't want to get to my goal and a few months later start piling weight on again because things got too hard to maintain. So, small changes will continue. And small goals. Eventually it will end up being big!

Working on me

I am trying to figure out this whole 'love yourself as you are' thing. Rationally, I get it. If you enjoy who you are, right now, then a) the rest doesn't matter and b) everything else tends to fall into place, such as weight loss, because you're enjoying life and it's not such an effort to eat well/exercise/enjoy yourself. But after a lifetime of self hate, it can be tough.

I am also trying to get back into meditation/mindful thinking. Today I finally managed to still my mind for the first time in a long time! I had been having trouble recently in doing it, although I have been trying for several weeks to get to 'that' place. What I do is all self taught and just what I like to do/think for myself. I don't follow any regime or process, other than stuff I've made up myself.

Though, I think I'm making a bit of a break through. I am starting to not care what other people think. Especially people I don't know. I am usually really self conscious of what I wear, worry about how I look. But lately, I haven't been terribly worried. I don't care what strangers think. (Which, seriously, is the way it should be!!)

The last few times we've been to the beach, I just wore just my swimming costume (without the shirt to go over it) and didn't give a crap about if people were looking at me, or how I might have looked. I had fun with my family and enjoyed the water, I dug in the sand and I lolled on the beach and enjoyed it all. Little Dude brought it all to reality when he hugged me at the beach and told me so sincerely, 'This is the best day EVER mum!'.

I guess the point is I'm making progress, albeit baby steps. Though to me, that's the best kind of progress because it's more likely to be a lasting change. More likely to be long term and sustainable.

I'm still working on it all. But I haven't given up on me!