I am trying with all of my being to fight the cravings I am having for food I don't need and isn't healthy. Tonight WonderHubby is on a night shift. Which is usually when I cave and eat myself silly. I am really struggling with not eating the bad food in the house, or even just not eating more. Trying to sort through the emotions, rationalise that I don't need it, it's not good for me, I actually REALLY don't want it for numerous reasons, not actually being hungry is a big one!
It is proving to be really difficult. My hubby is back at work on night shift for four nights and I am anxious and anticipating a no so nice 4 days. My house is a bomb site. Feeling a little lonely and bored. These are all reasons I want to comfort eat, and usually I would. But that is what got me fat! I need to change my habits to better ones again. When I wasn't fat I didn't eat like this. I didn't often eat a lot after dinner, I didn't comfort eat very much or 'eat my emotions' as it is commonly said.
I found some old photos of myself from many moons ago and it is a shock to me to see what I used to look like and compare it to what I have become. Visually 35kg is huge! A friend said I look like a different person. I am just not even a shadow of that person in the photos. Over time, naturally, my life and situation have changed, a lot. Admittedly it was a life time ago, pre-kids, before pregnancy, the sleepless nights and stress took its toll on my body and mind. Really my life is nothing of what it used to be. I need to get some of those good habits back, some of the 'me' back that I used to have.
Whilst I am feeling so much more positive about this change and in the zone, I still struggle when I'm going through the really tough times, which is when I need to really focus on my goals. Like when WonderHubby is on night shifts, or when Buggity Boo wakes me two hourly at night, or wants to party at 4am. These are the times I just want to fill the void with food. It doesn't always even matter what food it is, toast, chocolate, soup....whatever. Just Eat! So I am working on being more mindful, questioning why I'm eating, if I'm not actually genuinely hungry. It's tough sometimes the answer is 'I want to', which is often when I just do. Long term habits are so tough to break, but one by one I am getting there.
Proof in the pudding is I have walked three days so far this week. I aim for every second day. In spite of any silly mummy guilt I have in leaving the kids with Hubby, or any minor food blow outs. I am working hard on, keeping on, keeping on. And in doing so I have lost 2 1/2 kg since the 9th of May. Which is pretty good. Slow and steady wins the race right?
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
These women. My Friends. My Saviours. My Tribe.
Having friends like mine, is a blessing.
This morning I woke in a raging bad mood. I was so tired after Buggity Boo decided he would wake two hourly to feed, The Bear woke twice for drinks and then the toilet and Little Dude decided 4.50am would be a lovely time to start the day, and woke everyone to alert them of how wonderful it was. Unfortunately I don't share his enthusiasm in waking at such an ungodly hour, particularly after such a terrible night.
Poor Bear copped the brunt of my horrid mood, after being particularly demanding and rude for well, just everything... the blanket I was snuggled under, the lounge I was snuggled on, pancakes for breakfast, wanting to sit on me because she was cold, me going to get her clothes because she was cold. (*Snaps fingers* Slave! Oh ahh, sorry... MUM.....what are you doing?! Get to it!! I want, I WANT!!!!) So, she got yelled at rather loudly and harshly, at around 6.30am when I snapped. The Hubby got up and god love him, ordered me to stop making pancakes and go back to bed. Which I very wearily did, sobbing and streaming with tears, and got 2 more glorious hours of sleep.
When I was woken again, for The Hubby to go to work, I was still tired, though not as much, but I was anticipating a bad day. My head was fuzzy, not to mention throbbing with the familiar promise of a migraine. I had a meeting I wanted to go to, but Buggity Boo fell asleep as just the right (or wrong!) time. So we ended up being an hour late. I was still on edge and anxious, on the verge of tears and not coping so well with the demands of the kids.
Not long after being at this meeting, a beautiful friend gave me a hug. Just because. She noticed I wasn't travelling so well and wrapped her arms around me. It was just what I needed. A hug from someone who knew. Who knew the tiredness and exhaustion. Who knew that *get out of my space NOW* feeling. Then a group of us went outside into the beautiful sunshine and sat around chatting while our kids played so beautifully together. Once we had to leave the meeting hall, we went to the park and had an impromptu picnic in the park. It was a really lovely way to spend the afternoon.
When we were going home, I was lagging behind a bit, and when I looked up, I saw Bear holding hands with her little friend. I saw two of my beautiful friends walking shoulder to shoulder, laughing together. I was holding the hand of Little Dude, and Buggy was fighting with all his might not to go to sleep in the pram, gazing at me with those beautiful blue, sleepy eyes.
And I just thought of how blessed I am. How amazingly utterly and truly blessed I am to have these gorgeous, strong, insightful, funny and intelligent women as friends. As people I can look to in times of need, if I need a hug, or a laugh, an answer or just to chat. They are there. I have only known them for not quite a year now, but they have carved their way into my heart. They have etched their names there, and they will always be there. I am not usually one to make friends easily. It took me over 12 months of living in this tiny remote town we call home, to find these beautiful women, or more precisely for them to find me. But boy am I lucky they did. I am so happy they found me.
This morning I woke in a raging bad mood. I was so tired after Buggity Boo decided he would wake two hourly to feed, The Bear woke twice for drinks and then the toilet and Little Dude decided 4.50am would be a lovely time to start the day, and woke everyone to alert them of how wonderful it was. Unfortunately I don't share his enthusiasm in waking at such an ungodly hour, particularly after such a terrible night.
Poor Bear copped the brunt of my horrid mood, after being particularly demanding and rude for well, just everything... the blanket I was snuggled under, the lounge I was snuggled on, pancakes for breakfast, wanting to sit on me because she was cold, me going to get her clothes because she was cold. (*Snaps fingers* Slave! Oh ahh, sorry... MUM.....what are you doing?! Get to it!! I want, I WANT!!!!) So, she got yelled at rather loudly and harshly, at around 6.30am when I snapped. The Hubby got up and god love him, ordered me to stop making pancakes and go back to bed. Which I very wearily did, sobbing and streaming with tears, and got 2 more glorious hours of sleep.
When I was woken again, for The Hubby to go to work, I was still tired, though not as much, but I was anticipating a bad day. My head was fuzzy, not to mention throbbing with the familiar promise of a migraine. I had a meeting I wanted to go to, but Buggity Boo fell asleep as just the right (or wrong!) time. So we ended up being an hour late. I was still on edge and anxious, on the verge of tears and not coping so well with the demands of the kids.
Not long after being at this meeting, a beautiful friend gave me a hug. Just because. She noticed I wasn't travelling so well and wrapped her arms around me. It was just what I needed. A hug from someone who knew. Who knew the tiredness and exhaustion. Who knew that *get out of my space NOW* feeling. Then a group of us went outside into the beautiful sunshine and sat around chatting while our kids played so beautifully together. Once we had to leave the meeting hall, we went to the park and had an impromptu picnic in the park. It was a really lovely way to spend the afternoon.
When we were going home, I was lagging behind a bit, and when I looked up, I saw Bear holding hands with her little friend. I saw two of my beautiful friends walking shoulder to shoulder, laughing together. I was holding the hand of Little Dude, and Buggy was fighting with all his might not to go to sleep in the pram, gazing at me with those beautiful blue, sleepy eyes.
And I just thought of how blessed I am. How amazingly utterly and truly blessed I am to have these gorgeous, strong, insightful, funny and intelligent women as friends. As people I can look to in times of need, if I need a hug, or a laugh, an answer or just to chat. They are there. I have only known them for not quite a year now, but they have carved their way into my heart. They have etched their names there, and they will always be there. I am not usually one to make friends easily. It took me over 12 months of living in this tiny remote town we call home, to find these beautiful women, or more precisely for them to find me. But boy am I lucky they did. I am so happy they found me.
Friday, May 11, 2012
The woman I want to be
Today I am not being the woman I want to be, in particular, not the wife, house wife, nor (most importantly right now) the mum I want to be. I know in my head what I *should* be doing to change that, for today, which in turn will help change it tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, but right now, I am full of 'reasons', a.k.a. excuses. I'm tired, the kids are tired, and therefore cranky, the hubby is tired. We all had a big night going to the local fair, so everyone has had minimal sleep and is in a growly mood!
The person I want to be will say yes to her kids when they ask to play Barbies or trains for the 5th time that day. She would engage and have 1:1 time with her daughter who is the only one awake out of the three children. She would take the opportunity to tidy the house whist the younger kids slept (cause it's not usually the way it goes in our house to have children sleeping!). She would talk to her hubby about things rather than snap for silly reasons. She would go for a walk and exercise to help her feel better.
But today, right now, my house is a bomb site, my kids are being ferals, my hubby and I are grumping at each other for minor inconsequential things and I am struggling to find a smile :( I'm finding it hard to get into that 'just do it' attitude. I know the steps to get where I'm going, but taking them is proving to be very difficult. Change is hard, breaking habits of many years is tough. Everything in me is resisting. But that is just it, I really just need to do it and do it for a long time and it will get easier and become a habit and then it will just be our lifestyle.
The person I want to be will say yes to her kids when they ask to play Barbies or trains for the 5th time that day. She would engage and have 1:1 time with her daughter who is the only one awake out of the three children. She would take the opportunity to tidy the house whist the younger kids slept (cause it's not usually the way it goes in our house to have children sleeping!). She would talk to her hubby about things rather than snap for silly reasons. She would go for a walk and exercise to help her feel better.
But today, right now, my house is a bomb site, my kids are being ferals, my hubby and I are grumping at each other for minor inconsequential things and I am struggling to find a smile :( I'm finding it hard to get into that 'just do it' attitude. I know the steps to get where I'm going, but taking them is proving to be very difficult. Change is hard, breaking habits of many years is tough. Everything in me is resisting. But that is just it, I really just need to do it and do it for a long time and it will get easier and become a habit and then it will just be our lifestyle.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Today is the day
So today I weighed myself after being away on holidays for 3 weeks. I knew I had put on some weight, but was shocked to see the numbers on the scales.
97kg. Yep, you read right. For my 163cm frame, that sets me into the 'Obese' category according to my Body Mass Index. I will need to lose 32kg to be in the healthy range. Holy sheep shit Batman.....that's a lot of tub-a-lub to go. That's a lot of effort. And time. And commitment.
But I can do it. I will do it. I don't want to be that fat mum who can't (or won't for fear of people laughing at me or thinking how horrid I look) do thing with their kids. I don't want to embarrass my children because of my size. And I just want to enjoy living life again. I want to enjoy being me and having confidence to wear certain clothes, or be able to shop in 'normal' clothes stores and find things to fit me. I want to be able to run and not feel that horrible 'wobble' all over!
So this is it. Next time I blog here, I will be a little fitter, a little healthier and hopefully a little lighter.
I want family photos I love. I don't want to groan at the sight of myself because I was/am fat, I want to smile at the memories of the wonderful times we had.
Today it begins. Today I will change for the better. It will take time, patience, understanding (from myself and others!) But I will do it. I will be that healthy, vibrant, active woman I want to be.
97kg. Yep, you read right. For my 163cm frame, that sets me into the 'Obese' category according to my Body Mass Index. I will need to lose 32kg to be in the healthy range. Holy sheep shit Batman.....that's a lot of tub-a-lub to go. That's a lot of effort. And time. And commitment.
But I can do it. I will do it. I don't want to be that fat mum who can't (or won't for fear of people laughing at me or thinking how horrid I look) do thing with their kids. I don't want to embarrass my children because of my size. And I just want to enjoy living life again. I want to enjoy being me and having confidence to wear certain clothes, or be able to shop in 'normal' clothes stores and find things to fit me. I want to be able to run and not feel that horrible 'wobble' all over!
So this is it. Next time I blog here, I will be a little fitter, a little healthier and hopefully a little lighter.
I want family photos I love. I don't want to groan at the sight of myself because I was/am fat, I want to smile at the memories of the wonderful times we had.
Today it begins. Today I will change for the better. It will take time, patience, understanding (from myself and others!) But I will do it. I will be that healthy, vibrant, active woman I want to be.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Slow road to change
Ok so this is my first blog post ever. I am a blogging virgin, amongst other things. I thought a blog might help me with some changes I want to make in my life. Maybe documenting stuff and thinking about it will help me to focus and grow. Maybe not, but it's worth a try.
There are a few things I want to focus on in particular. Those being losing weight and getting fit (this is a big one!), being a better parent, and finding me. I seem to have gotten lost in the fat rolls and sleepless nights that are being a mum. I don't do alot for myself right now. It's all about my kids, doing stuff for them, being with them and life revolves around THEM!
Admittedly they are only little still; my eldest, Bear Bear (or Bear/BB)-is 5, then there's Little Dude (or Dude)- who is 3 1/2 and lastly Buggity Boo (or Buggy)- is 15months old. They all still need me. A lot. Though life is getting easier with each day. I am finding some time in the day (most of the time) where I can sit and have a cuppa without someone demanding something. I can sit on the loo without someone 'helping' or little fists pounding on the door demanding to be let in.
But we also still have sucky days when it all turns to shit. Sleep is still an issue, or the lack of it. My children seem to be allergic to sleep until they're about 3. Buggity Boo still wakes anywhere between 2-6 times a night. Bear sleeps through most nights, and Little Dude is hit and miss, some nights he's up 2-3 times or so, some nights not at all. Most nights I'm up 3-4 times, and then we start the day at around 5-5.30am. I am so not a morning person, so 5am is a killer for me. And I need a good amount of decent sleep, which I just don't get the majority of the time.
Anyway as you could probably tell by the detail and amount I go on about it, sleep's a big issue for me. I try to ignore it, and most days I can now, but it has caused big issues for me since becoming 'mum', post natal and ante natal depression and anxiety being the most prominent things.
And due to all of that, I guess- becoming mum, not sleeping, developing depression and anxiety, I have lost me along the way. I have no idea who I am or what I want or like or 'do' other than being mum and wife and head 'house' honcho. But I have seen glimpses of me lately. Which is part of my inspiration for creating a blog. To figure out things for me. Not necessarily always including the kids. Or even the hubby. I need to take some control back in my life!
There are a few things I want to focus on in particular. Those being losing weight and getting fit (this is a big one!), being a better parent, and finding me. I seem to have gotten lost in the fat rolls and sleepless nights that are being a mum. I don't do alot for myself right now. It's all about my kids, doing stuff for them, being with them and life revolves around THEM!
Admittedly they are only little still; my eldest, Bear Bear (or Bear/BB)-is 5, then there's Little Dude (or Dude)- who is 3 1/2 and lastly Buggity Boo (or Buggy)- is 15months old. They all still need me. A lot. Though life is getting easier with each day. I am finding some time in the day (most of the time) where I can sit and have a cuppa without someone demanding something. I can sit on the loo without someone 'helping' or little fists pounding on the door demanding to be let in.
But we also still have sucky days when it all turns to shit. Sleep is still an issue, or the lack of it. My children seem to be allergic to sleep until they're about 3. Buggity Boo still wakes anywhere between 2-6 times a night. Bear sleeps through most nights, and Little Dude is hit and miss, some nights he's up 2-3 times or so, some nights not at all. Most nights I'm up 3-4 times, and then we start the day at around 5-5.30am. I am so not a morning person, so 5am is a killer for me. And I need a good amount of decent sleep, which I just don't get the majority of the time.
Anyway as you could probably tell by the detail and amount I go on about it, sleep's a big issue for me. I try to ignore it, and most days I can now, but it has caused big issues for me since becoming 'mum', post natal and ante natal depression and anxiety being the most prominent things.
And due to all of that, I guess- becoming mum, not sleeping, developing depression and anxiety, I have lost me along the way. I have no idea who I am or what I want or like or 'do' other than being mum and wife and head 'house' honcho. But I have seen glimpses of me lately. Which is part of my inspiration for creating a blog. To figure out things for me. Not necessarily always including the kids. Or even the hubby. I need to take some control back in my life!
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