The Black Dog

Depression. The Blues. Feeling low. Heaviness of heart. Despondent. In a Funk. Melancholy.....there are many names. Many synonyms. Many sufferers.

I have had depression, to some degree, since having children. Possibly a little before hand, but never so serious as I have had since having kids. Post Natal Depression, or PND, it is tagged as being, if you experience depression within about a year of having a child. Ante Natal Depression, or AND, if you have it whilst pregnant.

I have had both. To varying degrees, through-out the almost 6 years I have been a mum.

Diagnosed (By Dr. Captain Obvious), as most likely due to firstly, severe sleep deprivation (no shit Sherlock, 3-4 broken hours of sleep a night for months, years actually, makes you depressed???), and also little family/friend support (other than WonderHubby), and 3 needy, demanding children aged 3 years and under (at the time, now they are 5 1/2, 4 and 22 months old).

The past 6-ish months have been getting a lot better for me though. I have been sleeping much more. Getting out with people, making really great friends. So it has been hard these past few days, feeling so crappy again.

But today, I am feeling the familiar old feeling of that black dog nipping at my heels. I haven't felt it for a while now, and I have felt pretty good in comparison to the last few...well, years. But today, yesterday, probably the last week or so, I have felt pretty despondent. Uncaring. The kids are on me, at me 24/7.

Mum, mummy, mumma, ma, mum, mum, mumm, Mumma, mumumummmm,  MUMMY, MummumumumuM,MUMUMMMUUMMYYYY!!! I have been telling them to get off me, away, and out of my space. I feel the familiar old feelings of anxiousness creep in when they all sit on me, call me, whinge at me. Tightness in my chest, like there is a big bit of food stuck in my throat. Tension in my chest, neck and shoulders. I get to a point where I could almost literally push them all off me, out of my space. I don't want to deal with them. Their expectations of me. I hate seeing their expectant faces waiting for me to do *something* for them. Wanting me to be with them and do for them. I just feel like I can't do it today. But I have to.

Right now I am anxious. Tense, tight. I feel like I could vomit just thinking of how I am feeling about the most precious little people in the world to me. It brings me to tears. I hope I'm not fucking them up for life. I really, really do. I love them to pieces. But can't deal with them and their demands right now.

For anyone suffering with PND, AND or a depressive or mental illness, or if you want more info, here are some links for you:

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=94

http://www.panda.org.au/

4 months down the track....

...and I still, haven't had any significant weight loss. I don't get how it can be in the fore front of my mind, day in and day out, and yet, still here I am 30kg over weight. I know how to do it. I know what to eat, that I need to exercise, my triggers for eating bad foods, making bad choices...yet, I am still here fat, uncomfortable and unhappy with myself. Bleugh. It is a terrible feeling. You'd think that might be enough to change wouldn't you?

To say it fucking sucks is an understatement. To say I am totally disappointed in myself, is an understatement. To say I am disgusted I have let myself get here...that my friends is true. To say it is all my own fault, again true. I know it, why the hell can't I change it?? This shit is such a fucking mind game for me. The science of it is all so simple. Energy in, energy out. Get the right mix and you lose weight. Eat healthy foods and you lose weight. Exercise moderately and YOU LOSE WEIGHT!!!!! Simple as that. Right....

Starting again tomorrow. I have to be stronger willed. I.HAVE.TO.BE!!!!! I HAVE to exercise. When I think I will do something like go out and do some skipping or intervals or circuit, I need to DO IT. When I think I should pack a healthy lunch rather than eat it when I get home, I should DO IT!

So this week coming, I will:

Eat 2 serves of fruit, 5 serves of veggies
Have a healthy breaky
Eat less sugar (IE, none added to tea/coffee etc)
Try to have no refined/packaged foods like muesli bars
Exercise moderately for 45mins a day, 5/7days (ie, until I'm sweaty!)

Hopefully this might work this time. Try try try again, right? Has to stick sooner or later. Hopefully sonner rather than later.

I'm a lucky ducky

I have been thinking about all that I have to appreciate in life. And I am one ginormously lucky chick-a-dee.

I am healthy (well... relatively so!)
I have three gorgeous, healthy, happy children.
I have a wonderful, funny, supportive and loyal hubby.
I have amazing friends.
I have a home, more than enough food and money, clothes......
I live in a beautiful place that is fair and just (most of the time) and not war-torn or in any kind of upheaval.

So as I sit here today and contemplate the mountain of washing I need to wash and fold, what food I should make for dinner, whist I deal with my children whining and whinging about stupid and irrelevant things, as I walk safely down the street with my three children, I will be grateful.

I am lucky. I have more than I could ever need. I have more than most people. I will enjoy my day because I don't have any real problems right now. I have enough. Of everything. And then some.

In it for the long haul

Well, here we are, in September (my goodness, how did that happen??!!). And I am still fat. Still in pretty much the same boat I was in 4 months ago. I am still 3kg down from then, which I suppose is a good thing. But I am totally not where I want to be with my weight loss. I had imagined then, that I would be at least 10kg lighter by now. I am not.

I have been pretty sick for a week, and the kids were very sick for a week too. But we are all well again, so I can't use that as my excuse any more. I have lacked dedication and focus. I have no one else to blame but me. I am going to keep on trying. I really do need to become healthier. Not many of my habits have changed in those four months.

I went out over the weekend, and besides from not having any nice clothes to wear (partially because I refuse to buy any bigger clothes, partially because the clothes choices for fat chicks are just horrendous, partially because I am so uncomfortable with myself), I felt so horrible in my skin. It was hard to really enjoy myself, when all I was thinking about was how disgusting I looked. I was with people I am not 100% comfortable with. I know them well enough, and they are all lovely people. But they're not close like my good friends, those whom I know I'm ok to be myself around, and I am sure they're not judging me. And I can't help feeling a little....judged, I guess, by these people I was with. No one really ways anything about me, but other things they say, have said... well, I just wasn't totally comfy!

I need to use those feelings as ammunition, that irrational feeling of being inadequate. That feeling of being totally out of my league and comfort zone. That feeling of not being able to sit still and pulling at my clothes because I feel so self conscious. The feeling of not being the whole me around certain people.

So right now, I am going to go and do some exercise. The kids are home and WonderHubby isn't. He's working for the first time in two weeks, after some holidays. Our friends are all busy today too, being a Sunday, and Fathers Day, they are all busy with their families. So, today has the potential to be a bad day, with me still in daddy-is-home-to-help-me mode, and I-have-no-friends-to-play-with mode. The kids can probably feel my anxiety and frustration, but I won't use that as an excuse. I would normally. The lazy and easy way out. I will go and exercise and the kids can join in or fight each other to the death whilst I do it. But it will get done!