The Black Dog

Depression. The Blues. Feeling low. Heaviness of heart. Despondent. In a Funk. Melancholy.....there are many names. Many synonyms. Many sufferers.

I have had depression, to some degree, since having children. Possibly a little before hand, but never so serious as I have had since having kids. Post Natal Depression, or PND, it is tagged as being, if you experience depression within about a year of having a child. Ante Natal Depression, or AND, if you have it whilst pregnant.

I have had both. To varying degrees, through-out the almost 6 years I have been a mum.

Diagnosed (By Dr. Captain Obvious), as most likely due to firstly, severe sleep deprivation (no shit Sherlock, 3-4 broken hours of sleep a night for months, years actually, makes you depressed???), and also little family/friend support (other than WonderHubby), and 3 needy, demanding children aged 3 years and under (at the time, now they are 5 1/2, 4 and 22 months old).

The past 6-ish months have been getting a lot better for me though. I have been sleeping much more. Getting out with people, making really great friends. So it has been hard these past few days, feeling so crappy again.

But today, I am feeling the familiar old feeling of that black dog nipping at my heels. I haven't felt it for a while now, and I have felt pretty good in comparison to the last few...well, years. But today, yesterday, probably the last week or so, I have felt pretty despondent. Uncaring. The kids are on me, at me 24/7.

Mum, mummy, mumma, ma, mum, mum, mumm, Mumma, mumumummmm,  MUMMY, MummumumumuM,MUMUMMMUUMMYYYY!!! I have been telling them to get off me, away, and out of my space. I feel the familiar old feelings of anxiousness creep in when they all sit on me, call me, whinge at me. Tightness in my chest, like there is a big bit of food stuck in my throat. Tension in my chest, neck and shoulders. I get to a point where I could almost literally push them all off me, out of my space. I don't want to deal with them. Their expectations of me. I hate seeing their expectant faces waiting for me to do *something* for them. Wanting me to be with them and do for them. I just feel like I can't do it today. But I have to.

Right now I am anxious. Tense, tight. I feel like I could vomit just thinking of how I am feeling about the most precious little people in the world to me. It brings me to tears. I hope I'm not fucking them up for life. I really, really do. I love them to pieces. But can't deal with them and their demands right now.

For anyone suffering with PND, AND or a depressive or mental illness, or if you want more info, here are some links for you:

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=94

http://www.panda.org.au/