In it for the long haul

Well, here we are, in September (my goodness, how did that happen??!!). And I am still fat. Still in pretty much the same boat I was in 4 months ago. I am still 3kg down from then, which I suppose is a good thing. But I am totally not where I want to be with my weight loss. I had imagined then, that I would be at least 10kg lighter by now. I am not.

I have been pretty sick for a week, and the kids were very sick for a week too. But we are all well again, so I can't use that as my excuse any more. I have lacked dedication and focus. I have no one else to blame but me. I am going to keep on trying. I really do need to become healthier. Not many of my habits have changed in those four months.

I went out over the weekend, and besides from not having any nice clothes to wear (partially because I refuse to buy any bigger clothes, partially because the clothes choices for fat chicks are just horrendous, partially because I am so uncomfortable with myself), I felt so horrible in my skin. It was hard to really enjoy myself, when all I was thinking about was how disgusting I looked. I was with people I am not 100% comfortable with. I know them well enough, and they are all lovely people. But they're not close like my good friends, those whom I know I'm ok to be myself around, and I am sure they're not judging me. And I can't help feeling a little....judged, I guess, by these people I was with. No one really ways anything about me, but other things they say, have said... well, I just wasn't totally comfy!

I need to use those feelings as ammunition, that irrational feeling of being inadequate. That feeling of being totally out of my league and comfort zone. That feeling of not being able to sit still and pulling at my clothes because I feel so self conscious. The feeling of not being the whole me around certain people.

So right now, I am going to go and do some exercise. The kids are home and WonderHubby isn't. He's working for the first time in two weeks, after some holidays. Our friends are all busy today too, being a Sunday, and Fathers Day, they are all busy with their families. So, today has the potential to be a bad day, with me still in daddy-is-home-to-help-me mode, and I-have-no-friends-to-play-with mode. The kids can probably feel my anxiety and frustration, but I won't use that as an excuse. I would normally. The lazy and easy way out. I will go and exercise and the kids can join in or fight each other to the death whilst I do it. But it will get done!