Reality check

Not a good day today, actually the week hasn't been great for me with exercise. I started out so positive I would do better, and then got to the end and realised I was being stupid to think that! WonderHubby was on night shifts for 5 nights, Little Dude was sick with croup again and my little boy just didn't sleep well all week. I tried hard to resist bad foods, and did fairly well, until today, though I have eaten too much in general. I didn't exercise most days. Mostly because I was working with 4 or so hours of sleep each day. The tiredness is what kills me.

Plus I was looking at last years Chrissy photos of when we put up our tree, and the realisation dawned on me that I promised myself I wouldn't be that fat this year. But I am. I am actually fatter. Less fit and more over weight. In October/November last year, I was 88kg. This year I am 97. I am almost 10kg bigger than this time last year, despite 'trying' to lose weight all year. I clearly haven't been trying very hard.

I also have to make some things for WH work Chrissy party tomorrow, and whilst I am trying hard not to indulge in the whipped cream and cooking chocolate, I'm not doing so well. Bleugh. I want the day to end and to begin again tomorrow.

I weighed in this morning and I have lost 200g. Not a lot, I didn't expect a big loss though. At least it's going down and not up I guess. Look at the positives, and small steps right?

This week I will focus on

-not eating too much after dinner.

-EXERCISE!!! Even if I can't get an opportunity to walk, I need to find other things to do at home when I have the kids on my own.

That is it for this coming week. I think with Christmas looming and a trip to Sydney for us, it will be too stressful for me to be worrying too much about it all. I still aim to NOT put weight on, but I will also forgive myself for not losing a lot or for gaining a little.

It's the silly season!

I love Christmas. I love the festivities, I love giving gifts, I love getting gifts. I love making things and decorating. I love wrapping gifts and making or buying something special for someone special. I love the food and being with the people who are important in our lives. Most of all, now I am a mum, I love seeing Christmas through my kids eyes. I love being with my amazing little family through this time of year.

Bear Bear is beside herself now that the Christmas season is here. She has asked me countless times to put up the Chrissy tree. She loves to see the decorations going up around town and notices all of the new shop-front decorations. We will put the tree up all together, tomorrow. It's a week or so earlier than is tradition for me to do, but I can't help myself. I want to make the excitement she has last as long as I can!

Little Dude, I don't think is nearly so excited, but he feels the bubbling excitement from Bear and me and gets a bit of a glow on. But I think he may have the Bah Humbug bug that WonderHubby suffers with.

And of course, Buggity Boo, well...he's still a bit little to really get what Christmas is, this will only be his second one. But he has already been grooving to some Christmas carols with me and Bear, and he adores the tinsel at the shops!

WH is a bit cynical about Christmas. He sees the religious side of it, and since we aren't religious at all, he is a little bit reluctant to really celebrate. He tries to get in on the act because he knows I love it all. And, he does love to see the kids excited, just like me (really, which parent would be able to ignore a 5 1/2 year olds' over flowing excitement at singing Jingle Bells in her pre-school Christmas concert?!)

He also loves to give us (the kids and I) gifts. He finds it tough keeping them to himself until Christmas Day (or, as is tradition for us, Christmas Eve, we get to choose one gift from under the tree to open) which I adore about him. In that way, he gets just as excited as the kids do.

But in the sense of the religious celebrations and the consumerism which seems to often come with Christmas these days, I do see his point, to a point. I feel that we can celebrate it how ever we choose. It need not be religion or the gift buying/giving which is celebrated, but the family, the friends, the food and the life-gifts which we have been generously graced with.

I love the traditions which are forming for our family.  Putting up the Christmas tree together. Bear has taken to talking about the decorations we have which are meaningful; the things Little Dude or Bear have made, or the special ones which have been given to us as gifts. Getting to delight in one of our gifts on Christmas Eve, where it isn't a frenzy of kids screaming "SANTA CAME!!" and family or friends and paper, cards, wrapping, boxes and more paper! This year, I want to put up all of the crafty things they make at pre school and day care. I want to make some things together at home. I want the house to scream CHRISTMAS form the roof down to the carpet!

I can't wait to make treats for the kids to share at Pre School and day care, maybe some thing like these....And also some home made goodies for some other special little people in our lives, possibly some things like playdough or home made cards...I also want to make a Christmas advent calendar (which I will need to get organised if I want it for the beginning of December!), some thing very simple and easy for the kids to use... with some craft or cooking activities, or a little chocolate or gift inside each window.

Goodness, with all of those plans on making things...I think I need to get sorted! I adore Christmas time. I think I said that...But don't you?

Slowly does it.

I have lost 600g since I last blogged, yay!! A measly 600g some of you may say, but it is a step in the right direction for me. I am happy with that. Considering the only changes I made were to go walking 3 times last week (as Iin, specifically going for a walk for the sake of exercise), have plenty of water, and trying to eat better at breakfast time, I think 600g is pretty awesome.

That means I am down to 97.2kg. I will do my body measurements fortnightly, maybe even monthly, so no measurements were taken this week. I am also MAKING myself stay off the scales in between weekly weigh ins. Otherwise I get too hung up on those small weight gains I often experience through the week for what ever reasons!

I am trying to do this slowly, I figure if I aim to change a few small things at a time, then I will manage to keep the changes make them my lifestyle, rather than a huge effort all of the time, because I'm trying to do too much at once. Clearly trying to do it all was just too much, because although I really do want all of those things to change (my weight, my fitness, my eating, my lifestyle), and I do manage to do it for a while, I always fall down. I always hit a speed hump and can't pick myself up again. So a few things a week or every month is more achievable.

Last week I focused on drinking more water, eating a good breaky and wearing my pedometre (ie, doing the recommended 10000+ steps a day).

I am doing really well with drinking water.
I did ok with eating healthy breakfasts, though could do better, and need to do it every day!
I didn't do so well with wearing my pedometre, only wearing it 4 out of the last 8 days.

So this next week, I will aim to:

Eat a healthy, hearty breakfast every morning.
Wear my pedometre and do 10000 steps a day.
Eat more fruit and veggies every day (meet the 2 fruit serves and 5 vegetable servings a day)

More info on the two and five campaign and the 10000 steps theory here:

http://www.gofor2and5.com.au/

http://www.10000stepsaustralia.com/Walking-Articles/Why-10000-Steps-a-Day

Here's hoping for another 600g loss! I can do this!!!

Here again...

Still fat and still wanting to lose weight. I am now back to 97.8 kg. Back to the start, where I was back here in May when I began this blog. I think I am probably a bit heavier actually. *sigh*

And I still haven't changed anything else either. My house is still untidy and dis-organised  I am no better connected to, nor play more thoughtful games with my children or have any dates or time with WonderHubby. Is it enough that I at least *know* this? Even if none of it has changed since May. Is it enough that I try sporadically, when I have the mental energy, to change? Will there come a day when I find it will all actually stick, and I don't have to TRY so desperately to do it anymore, because it will have become a life, my life, as I want it?

Of course no one is to blame for any of it, but me. I guess it's good I know that. I also know no one can lose weight but me, nor help me lose weight if I am not ready, no one can make me change my ways, but me. But how do I become 'ready'?? What is 'ready'...where is 'ready'? There is so much I'd like to change it all gets a bit over-whelming.

I certainly feel like I'm am ready. I am certainly sick of being obese and hating myself so freaking much. But why am I still sitting here bored brainless, dreaming about going to the shop to get crappy unhealthy foods?

I could be a) tidying my house b) outside gardening (although it is a hot day, about 35 degrees today...) c) playing with my children (please no....no more lego or trains!!!) OR d) exercising with the wii fit or a DVD. There is 'stuff' I could be doing. But I choose to be bored and thinking about junk food. Just to torture myself right? Maybe I'm a sadist....

*** ETA: OK, so here's the deal, slowly I will change things, a few small things a week. This week I will change these three small things for myself....

1) I will eat a healthy breakfast (like boiled eggs with toast soldiers, bran flakes with yogurt and frozen berries, or plain old weetbix with banana).

2) I will drink lots of water (8+ glasses)

3) I will wear my pedometre every day for the week and walk 10,000 steps or more a day.

Getting off my butt to do something other than mope. And no, it won't be eat all the chocolate my body can handle!

Family

Today I became an Aunt again. To a, no doubt beautiful, bouncing baby boy. I wish I could meet him face to face. Unfortunately I am 900 km away, and I have no chance to get there until December. From both WonderHubby's side of the family and mine, I have 8 nephews and one niece.

Sadly for WH and our own little family, we live far away from all of them, from both of our families. Most of my family is about a 9 hour drive east. WH's family is about 16-20 hours drive north east from us. WH has been away from his family for a long time, since before we met, so it is not so different for him to not actually visit them and see them regularly. But for me, it is something different. I have lived close to my family my whole life. Until we moved out here, to the outback of NOWHERE!

I used to see my mum, brothers, sister in law, niece and nephew at least once a week. Usually several times a week. And whilst we have had our issues and it can be annoying and difficult to be around everyone all of the time, when they aren't just a 5 minute drive up the road, you really feel it.

I never got a lot of help with my kids from my family, though I could rely on my SIL or (if I was really desperate) my mum to look after my kids. I could always visit their house anytime and not have to be in mine aallll day by myself (with the kids of course!) like I sometimes am these days.

I also really miss my nanna. I blogged about her here a little while ago. It worries me that she may pass away whilst we're out here and I won't have gotten to see her all that much. Or I won't be able to get back to see her, if she gets seriously ill.

I do have issues with my family. I don't think there are many people who don't right?! But I miss them. Especially my niece and nephews. They have all grown into big people and I missed it. My kids are growing and their aunts and uncles and nan and pop and granma and granpa are missing the awesome little cherubs they're turning into. It makes me sad....but I guess that's life right?!

Looking after yourself

Sorry it's been a while since I have been around. I have been feeling a bit boring. Not much going on in life, all the same, mundane, groundhog day sort of stuff. Which got me to thinking.....

I have been thinking about how I look after myself. And I guess it's kind of become clear that I don't really. Not for the long term. Things like seeing a doctor, dentist, eating healthily, exercise. Things which I don't do with the regularity and dedication I should. If we could afford it right now, I would definitely go to the dentist (although I hate it with a passion!), the physio to have my poor back fixed and my core muscles strengthened properly (after 15 years as a child care teacher and then 3 pregnancies in 3 1/2 years, as well as gaining 35kg, I think I can safely say my back and core are kaput!). Unfortunately, finances don't allow for what many would see as being pretty basic, normal things.

Additionally, I would love to see a chiro, for the same reasons as seeing a physio. I would get a massage monthly (at least!) and a pedicure just for the love of them! I would like the luxury of a gym membership too, and to go to the hairdresser MUCH more often. I would likely do a lot more too, if we had the time and money, but we can't.

So, I want to try to focus on what I can change. Eat more healthily. Go walking. Both easy and free, the only cost is time, which I need to work out and make sure I make it an every day thing and that I do it, and don't feel guilty. My friends have started to go at night, which will be a good option for when WonderHubby is home, the kids are in bed and I can go guilt free! And I will go to the gym or pools if we have some spare money.

I will make appointments and go to the doctor and have those regular things done I should have done (like a pap smear, blood pressure and cholesterol checked etc...) Try to make a longer term plan to get the the other appointments I would like to get to. Save money and prioritise, rather than wait until I HAVE to go, like if I get a tooth ache, or can barely move with the pain in my back.

The other things....well, I do those things once or twice a year or so. Massages, pedicures, hairdressers. None of them necessary, but all of it makes me feel good. Good in myself, and about myself. It makes me feel more attractive. More worth it. It is a bit sad it takes these extrinsic things to help me feel like that, but c'est la vie! I do love a good pampering. I usually spend any birthday or Chrissy money I get on those luxuries. And well.... Christmas is coming up (WAY too quickly if you ask me!!) I may just have to indulge myself some time soon!