Here again...

Still fat and still wanting to lose weight. I am now back to 97.8 kg. Back to the start, where I was back here in May when I began this blog. I think I am probably a bit heavier actually. *sigh*

And I still haven't changed anything else either. My house is still untidy and dis-organised  I am no better connected to, nor play more thoughtful games with my children or have any dates or time with WonderHubby. Is it enough that I at least *know* this? Even if none of it has changed since May. Is it enough that I try sporadically, when I have the mental energy, to change? Will there come a day when I find it will all actually stick, and I don't have to TRY so desperately to do it anymore, because it will have become a life, my life, as I want it?

Of course no one is to blame for any of it, but me. I guess it's good I know that. I also know no one can lose weight but me, nor help me lose weight if I am not ready, no one can make me change my ways, but me. But how do I become 'ready'?? What is 'ready'...where is 'ready'? There is so much I'd like to change it all gets a bit over-whelming.

I certainly feel like I'm am ready. I am certainly sick of being obese and hating myself so freaking much. But why am I still sitting here bored brainless, dreaming about going to the shop to get crappy unhealthy foods?

I could be a) tidying my house b) outside gardening (although it is a hot day, about 35 degrees today...) c) playing with my children (please no....no more lego or trains!!!) OR d) exercising with the wii fit or a DVD. There is 'stuff' I could be doing. But I choose to be bored and thinking about junk food. Just to torture myself right? Maybe I'm a sadist....

*** ETA: OK, so here's the deal, slowly I will change things, a few small things a week. This week I will change these three small things for myself....

1) I will eat a healthy breakfast (like boiled eggs with toast soldiers, bran flakes with yogurt and frozen berries, or plain old weetbix with banana).

2) I will drink lots of water (8+ glasses)

3) I will wear my pedometre every day for the week and walk 10,000 steps or more a day.

Getting off my butt to do something other than mope. And no, it won't be eat all the chocolate my body can handle!