I believe:

I believe:

If I can make my thoughts positive, get to a place where I can love me, for me, no matter how I look, just because I am a good, giving and generous person; then I will be able to give back to myself. I will realise that I am worthy of any effort I put into myself. I am working on it.

Where I'm at

It has been a long time between posts. Sorry about that. I have not been feeling like much of a success at anything, so have just felt deflated and like I have been going around in circles. Doing the same things, saying the same things.

Re-reading a few of my posts, I guess I am in a pretty static kind of pattern. Not much has changed really. I am still over-weight. Parenting is getting easier as the kids get bigger, though I still have moments of big stress and anxiety with it all. WonderHubby and I are doing really well together, though we are usually pretty happy with each other and it was never a concern of mine to improve or change our relationship. I did begin studying, and I am happy to say passed my first Bachelor's degree (in Early Childhood Teaching). I finally have my degree, after 8 years of on and off study! I applied to do the Bachelor in Primary Teaching, though after a slow, and not so great start (with sick children and myself being sick at the beginning of the course) I have put that on hold until this time next year. I am going to enjoy just being a wife, mum and me for now.

Unfortunately I am no fitter, stronger or lighter than I was before. I have actually gained a little more weight, and neither have I really come to terms at all with how I am or who I am. Which does not help my desire and need to lose weight and get fit at all. I have begun to research some different methods of controlling weight and ways to learn to love yourself. I'm trying hard to just get on with liking myself. For the way I am now. Not for the way I want to be, or the way people tell me I 'should' be. I'm working on it still.

I think the changes I need are mental. Once my head is in the right space, then the body will follow. I don't want to 'diet'. I want to be able to eat healthy foods and exercise, like I used to, and just be fit and active and happy in life. But a lifetime of self deprecation and self loathing will take a long time to change. It will take time for me to think myself worthy of loving me. I think my mind is changing slowly. My thoughts are becoming more positive. But I have more negative thoughts than good when I think of me. It's hard for me to list good things about myself, to say positive aspects of me. If someone shames me somehow, or says something negative about me, I am quick to believe it, and it takes a lot of hard work to change that. Particularly when it's friends and family, and particularly when it's about what I look like, wear, eat or do fitness wise. Even if it's unintentional, I am quick to believe the negative stuff and find it really hard to actually believe the positive stuff. And it's even harder for me to truly believe and say it about myself.

My 35th birthday is in a few days and that is totally not helping in making me feel any better about myself and where I'm at. Whilst I realise aging is inevitable, I am feeling decidedly old this year. I put it down to a combination of my children growing so fast before my eyes, me feeling old because I am overweight and unfit, and just the fact I am 35. It feels like such an 'adult' age. I also don't feel like I'm having a lot of fun with life. The kids are my main focus, and between Buggyboo insisting 4am is the perfect time to wake up of a morning, Bear Bear having tantrums and meltdowns at school every morning when I leave her, and Little Dude having some sort of testosterone surge, with anger, frustration and hyper activity as symptoms, the burdens of day to day life get just a little boring, and laborious. Plus there isn't much fun to be had here in the sticks...

Tomorrow begins my first attempts in a long time to start getting into an exercise routine of some sort. I will be starting off very easily. A little walking, a little stretching and a little weight bearing stuff. Nothing too strenuous, and no big expectations of myself. Things I can do in my time, by myself, or with the kids around.

So that's it I guess. The last few months in a nutshell. Kind of. There have been a few more memorable things happen, but I will leave it there for now. Here's to learning to love me.

It's been a long while...

I haven't posted in a long time. I think in part that is because I have been unmotivated to, by my life in general. I feel I do the same things day in day out. But, in saying that I have also been super busy with all of that same-stuff-different-day stuff!

In hind sight, I suppose a fair bit has happened over the last month or two. Bear Bear started kindy, big school. She is absolutely loving it and is in her element. She has received several awards and is learning to read at a rate of knots. Little Dude has started at pre school and has made new friends and is settling in, and Buggy Boo is back at day care, two days a week this year and he just loves going. 

Little Dude and Bear walking Buggy
to day care for the first time this year.

I have, once again, started studying at uni. It is all a little overwhelming, but I am just sticking to the suggested schedule and doing what I have to. I will get back into the swing of it all, it has just been over 2 years since I have studied anything! My brain has turned into mummy-mush. Plus it's a subject I have failed (after having my babies #1 and #2) so I am a bit nervous that I might fail again. But I have plenty of time to devote to studies, with all of the kids in day care/pre school/ school for two days a week. I just need to be organised, which is so not my forte. I am working on that!

I am feeling a bit more in control of everything, and I think it's safe to say I am not suffering with my PND or any sort of depression right now. I am able to keep the house clean (more oft than not!), see the good in life and just enjoy the moment, not thinking of the "what if's", "what I did wrong's" and "how terrible I am's". There are more and more moments of loving life, and even a few of loving me. Whilst sleep is still broken and not ideal, I am rested most days and if not, I have two days to myself, where I can sleep if I need to, or just zone out and not stress about things (after I have finished studying for that day of course!).

On the weight loss front, well....I'm not losing weight. I'm not any fitter, but I am also not any fatter. I am still a working on it all, and I am getting there with prioritising me, and making sure I eat well and most importantly for me to focus on, that I get out and exercise. So much of it is in my own head and that is proving to be the tough part to really change. Yet another work in progress!

WonderHubby is well, just as wonderful as ever. He IS going absolutely great guns on losing weight, and has lost about 10kg since the beginning of the year. (Why, oh why, is it that men seem to do it so much more easily than women?!!!) And as proud of him as I am, because he is focused and determined and has done it all by himself, I must say I am also a touch jealous/frustrated/envious of how he can focus so well and JFDI (just fucking DO IT!!!). I have so much more weight to lose than him, and barely a kilo is gone since January this year.

Because I have more time to myself, I am being better. Better mum, wife, house wife, friend and even community member. I am finding my patience, my understanding, drive and my want to give again. MY mojo is returning. The mojo I lost in becoming mum. I am becoming a better me. Different to before, but the same too. I am finding my humour and my perspective. Clarity. Oh sweet clarity. It is great to have it all back. I am becoming a happy chappy again.

So, how am I travelling, I hear you ask?

In light of the new year and all, I thought I would up date everything I had been trying to implement when I first started writing my blog. It was THE reason I started writing a blog, to try to do the things I thought of, to implement change and get to a place where I was happier with my physical self, as well as in my personal relationships and with my parenting.

Well, I have pretty much gotten nowhere on any of it, except for the fact that I am actually fatter and very likely even more unhealthy than I was before. I feel pretty terrible about it, because it has been over six months and I have done nothing to change. I complain and whinge, know what I need to do to change. And still zip, nada, nothing changes.

WonderHubby and I are plodding along. We are happy enough with each other. We rarely argue, or get angry with each other. We are great friends. Which makes life together awesome. There are things we need to work on, one of them being prioritising us. Being together with just the two of us. Having three young children, we rarely get the chance to just be the two of us. We need to prioritise this and make an effort to make each other feel special.

My efforts with my weight loss and getting fit....well. I keep thinking about it, giving a half arsed effort for a while, and then fall off the wagon and get fatter. I need to put in 110% effort. I need to stop making excuses and fluffing about with it all. I just need to do it. Pure and simple. I'm sick of it being the first thing I think about, thinking about it for half the day, but still I'm where I was 7 months ago. If I had have kept at it when I first started back in May 2012, I would likely be at or very close to, my goal.

My parenting, well that is leaving a bit to be desired at the moment, to be honest. School holidays are here and I am having no respite from the kids, so I am a little stressed and anxious. It is ridiculously hot here at the moment too, with most days being 35-45 degrees Celsius (around 95-112 Fahrenheit). So we are cooped up inside a lot of the day with a small window to play outside early in the mornings between about 6-10am and then at about 4-6pm (although it can still be stupid-hot at that time, it's no longer sunny then and we won't burn up like a rocket re-entering the earth's atmosphere!

I have realised that I am actually just not that great a playing spontaneous games. I don't really do spontaneous at all, and when it involves Barbie, Iron Man or My Little Pet Shop things....my brain liquefies. My speech turns gibberish and I just CAN.NOT.DO.IT...Even when I was 5 years old I didn't play Barbie. I played mummies, and teachers. Take a guess at what I do now?...Go on!

Does that make me a bad parent? I don't know, maybe. But I think it just makes me human. I am not good at everything. I am not good at a lot of things. Unfortunately for Bear Bear, playing Barbies is just one of those things that I am woefully bad at. We do things like craft, colouring, I build with Lego and train tracks, run around with a ball, watch movies together, I am trying to get the bigger kids into the kitchen to cook with me more often. I take them to the park, mothers group, playgroup and the library. So it's not like I don't do anything with them. And I do love mummy-ing most of the time.

I think personally, the two areas which stand out for me which I have made some progress in are my friendships and doing more for myself that I enjoy. Last year I went away with a friend ( this is my blog about it here- Excitement! ) to another friends wedding, leaving my family for the first time ever. It was liberating and I decided I need to do it more often! And, I also have made awesome friends. They have taught me so much recently. They make such a huge effort to help look after me. I love them to pieces.

I will be starting to study again this year, so that's a big step for myself. Hopefully by the end, I will be getting my Teaching degree. And I will have two, yes TWO child free days this year. It will help immensely with getting organised and with studying. I just don't feel like I can get things done well (I am a bit of a perfectionist and unfortunately for me, if I can't do it how I want to do it, ie, to the point I think it's 'perfect', I tend not to do it at all.) So two days 'off' will be awesome for me to get things done around the house, as well as being able to concentrate on my studies.

One of my favorite sayings is, 'nothing changes if nothing changes' I don't know who said it, or even if "someone" said it. There are other versions of it, but this is the simplest form. And how true it is. I have changed almost nothing in almost 7 months, so I am pretty well still where I was at then. I really need to haul ass if I want to make these changes. I need to stop procrastinating and get on with it. Stop whinging and whining. Focus on something and DO IT! Sort my shit out and get on with making myself happier and looking after myself...one step at a time.

Reality check

Not a good day today, actually the week hasn't been great for me with exercise. I started out so positive I would do better, and then got to the end and realised I was being stupid to think that! WonderHubby was on night shifts for 5 nights, Little Dude was sick with croup again and my little boy just didn't sleep well all week. I tried hard to resist bad foods, and did fairly well, until today, though I have eaten too much in general. I didn't exercise most days. Mostly because I was working with 4 or so hours of sleep each day. The tiredness is what kills me.

Plus I was looking at last years Chrissy photos of when we put up our tree, and the realisation dawned on me that I promised myself I wouldn't be that fat this year. But I am. I am actually fatter. Less fit and more over weight. In October/November last year, I was 88kg. This year I am 97. I am almost 10kg bigger than this time last year, despite 'trying' to lose weight all year. I clearly haven't been trying very hard.

I also have to make some things for WH work Chrissy party tomorrow, and whilst I am trying hard not to indulge in the whipped cream and cooking chocolate, I'm not doing so well. Bleugh. I want the day to end and to begin again tomorrow.

I weighed in this morning and I have lost 200g. Not a lot, I didn't expect a big loss though. At least it's going down and not up I guess. Look at the positives, and small steps right?

This week I will focus on

-not eating too much after dinner.

-EXERCISE!!! Even if I can't get an opportunity to walk, I need to find other things to do at home when I have the kids on my own.

That is it for this coming week. I think with Christmas looming and a trip to Sydney for us, it will be too stressful for me to be worrying too much about it all. I still aim to NOT put weight on, but I will also forgive myself for not losing a lot or for gaining a little.

It's the silly season!

I love Christmas. I love the festivities, I love giving gifts, I love getting gifts. I love making things and decorating. I love wrapping gifts and making or buying something special for someone special. I love the food and being with the people who are important in our lives. Most of all, now I am a mum, I love seeing Christmas through my kids eyes. I love being with my amazing little family through this time of year.

Bear Bear is beside herself now that the Christmas season is here. She has asked me countless times to put up the Chrissy tree. She loves to see the decorations going up around town and notices all of the new shop-front decorations. We will put the tree up all together, tomorrow. It's a week or so earlier than is tradition for me to do, but I can't help myself. I want to make the excitement she has last as long as I can!

Little Dude, I don't think is nearly so excited, but he feels the bubbling excitement from Bear and me and gets a bit of a glow on. But I think he may have the Bah Humbug bug that WonderHubby suffers with.

And of course, Buggity Boo, well...he's still a bit little to really get what Christmas is, this will only be his second one. But he has already been grooving to some Christmas carols with me and Bear, and he adores the tinsel at the shops!

WH is a bit cynical about Christmas. He sees the religious side of it, and since we aren't religious at all, he is a little bit reluctant to really celebrate. He tries to get in on the act because he knows I love it all. And, he does love to see the kids excited, just like me (really, which parent would be able to ignore a 5 1/2 year olds' over flowing excitement at singing Jingle Bells in her pre-school Christmas concert?!)

He also loves to give us (the kids and I) gifts. He finds it tough keeping them to himself until Christmas Day (or, as is tradition for us, Christmas Eve, we get to choose one gift from under the tree to open) which I adore about him. In that way, he gets just as excited as the kids do.

But in the sense of the religious celebrations and the consumerism which seems to often come with Christmas these days, I do see his point, to a point. I feel that we can celebrate it how ever we choose. It need not be religion or the gift buying/giving which is celebrated, but the family, the friends, the food and the life-gifts which we have been generously graced with.

I love the traditions which are forming for our family.  Putting up the Christmas tree together. Bear has taken to talking about the decorations we have which are meaningful; the things Little Dude or Bear have made, or the special ones which have been given to us as gifts. Getting to delight in one of our gifts on Christmas Eve, where it isn't a frenzy of kids screaming "SANTA CAME!!" and family or friends and paper, cards, wrapping, boxes and more paper! This year, I want to put up all of the crafty things they make at pre school and day care. I want to make some things together at home. I want the house to scream CHRISTMAS form the roof down to the carpet!

I can't wait to make treats for the kids to share at Pre School and day care, maybe some thing like these....And also some home made goodies for some other special little people in our lives, possibly some things like playdough or home made cards...I also want to make a Christmas advent calendar (which I will need to get organised if I want it for the beginning of December!), some thing very simple and easy for the kids to use... with some craft or cooking activities, or a little chocolate or gift inside each window.

Goodness, with all of those plans on making things...I think I need to get sorted! I adore Christmas time. I think I said that...But don't you?

Slowly does it.

I have lost 600g since I last blogged, yay!! A measly 600g some of you may say, but it is a step in the right direction for me. I am happy with that. Considering the only changes I made were to go walking 3 times last week (as Iin, specifically going for a walk for the sake of exercise), have plenty of water, and trying to eat better at breakfast time, I think 600g is pretty awesome.

That means I am down to 97.2kg. I will do my body measurements fortnightly, maybe even monthly, so no measurements were taken this week. I am also MAKING myself stay off the scales in between weekly weigh ins. Otherwise I get too hung up on those small weight gains I often experience through the week for what ever reasons!

I am trying to do this slowly, I figure if I aim to change a few small things at a time, then I will manage to keep the changes make them my lifestyle, rather than a huge effort all of the time, because I'm trying to do too much at once. Clearly trying to do it all was just too much, because although I really do want all of those things to change (my weight, my fitness, my eating, my lifestyle), and I do manage to do it for a while, I always fall down. I always hit a speed hump and can't pick myself up again. So a few things a week or every month is more achievable.

Last week I focused on drinking more water, eating a good breaky and wearing my pedometre (ie, doing the recommended 10000+ steps a day).

I am doing really well with drinking water.
I did ok with eating healthy breakfasts, though could do better, and need to do it every day!
I didn't do so well with wearing my pedometre, only wearing it 4 out of the last 8 days.

So this next week, I will aim to:

Eat a healthy, hearty breakfast every morning.
Wear my pedometre and do 10000 steps a day.
Eat more fruit and veggies every day (meet the 2 fruit serves and 5 vegetable servings a day)

More info on the two and five campaign and the 10000 steps theory here:

http://www.gofor2and5.com.au/

http://www.10000stepsaustralia.com/Walking-Articles/Why-10000-Steps-a-Day

Here's hoping for another 600g loss! I can do this!!!