I'm looking at you 2016!!

I've been uncomfortable in my own skin for...well, a really long time. Since I can remember, really. Even though, before having my kids, I was never overweight, I was fit and healthy. But I still didn't like how I looked. I couldn't appreciate how fit and strong I was.

Now, I am overweight and unfit and kinda unhealthy (mostly for the fact that I am 35+ kg overweight!), I am learning to appreciate myself for all of my flaws. I can't say I like how I look, because I don't, but I can look at myself and be real. I can see what my body can do. I can appreciate the fact that I am me. I am blessed with being healthy (I don't have any diseases- temporary, permanent, congenital or otherwise) my body works as it's supposed to. With some work, I can be fit and healthy again. With dedication and consistency. And I can appreciate myself for what I am; healthy, kind, giving, intelligent and all the rest of it! I suppose that kind of wisdom comes with age and life experience.

But I am still 35kg overweight. And I do want to get fitter and healthier. This last year, I have said goodbye to 8 kgs. At my heaviest I was 111kg, and as of today, I am 103kg. Even after the indulgences of Christmas, it's still gone! So it would seems, it's permanent. And whilst I'm pleased to be able to say I lost 8kg, rather than gained anything, I did aim to have done more with my health and fitness. I didn't really get close to what I aimed to achieve.

Each year since I started blogging I have had similar goals. I need to figure out a way to make it happen. I need to find my motivator. Because it seems being fit and healthy for myself and family, just isn't doing it for me. I have the motivation of a holiday in 6 months time for this year. I'm hoping that's enough to get me started and then to keep me going. I also plan to contact two friends who have lost a lot of weight to pick their brains. I'm going to wirte more too. Maybe here in my blog, or maybe just in a journal.

All-in-all, this year has been a pretty good one. A bit non eventful, after our big move from the bush in 2014. But a good year none the less. Everyone settled into our new home, and it really does feel like we belong here. I made some wonderful new friends. Bear and Little Dude went from strength to strength with sports and school achievements; with making friends and finding their own special niches. Buggy made some great little friends and completed his last year of pre school. WonderHubby settled into work and has loved the new challenges it's brought him. Life settled into a lovely rhythm.

2016 already promises to be a pretty big one, even though we haven't quite said good bye to 2015. My beautiful (not so much of a) baby turns 5 and starts big school. Little Dude and Bear turn 8 and 9 this year, and will be going into years 2 and 3 at school. We will be buying our own home. I will be studying and completing another college degree. I will probably be going back to work. And I will be reviewing on my goal of travelling more, starting with an 11 day trip to Fiji with two wonderful friends! And those are just the biggest details of the year, the ones that are pre-planned! I'm excited, and also a little daunted by the enormity of what it seems it will be. I think it might just be a bit crazy-busy, and a lot of it new to us all, but it will be perfect, so long as I have my amazing family with me. We will get it done, together!

Plodding along, turtle style

As the title suggests, I'm still on my journey of trying to find a place that suits me, a place in my mind, in the world, in my own skin, which is just the right place for my soul to settle and be happily content.

I have lost 6 kilos this year to date. Though the last month or so, I have come to a stand still with the weight loss. I have had plantar faciitis, which has been increasingly painful, and for the last 3-4 weeks, I have stopped walking, unless necessary, due to the pain in my foot. But since seeing the doctor, I have been stretching/massaging it out and it's gotten sooo much better.

So, I am going to start with walking again, to try and kick-start weight loss happening again. I am also going to cut out sugar in my coffee and tea, and I need to drink more water. I'm also making sure I eat a decent breaky (lately it's been over night oats with almond milk, crushed  linseeds and almonds, peanut butter and some dark chocolate), which has been easy in the school holidays, since we're home and I can focus on healthy, instead of easy, which is what I do when we're doing the school days thing.

I am feeling a bit of anxiety over my health and the need to be healthy. We have had a few friends experiencing health issues, which are likely due to being unhealthy/overweight, plus the fact that we're getting older and our bodies are just not as strong as they were in our early 30's and 20's. Whilst they haven't been horrifically serious problems, they have made me think of myself and WonderHubby and the fact that we're not doing ourselves (and especially our kids) any favours by being so unhealthy. It scares me to think something serious could happen to either of us, especially since we're each others biggest support.

I am happy with the slow progress I'm making, though. I want this to be a lasting and manageable change. I don't want to get to my goal and a few months later start piling weight on again because things got too hard to maintain. So, small changes will continue. And small goals. Eventually it will end up being big!

Working on me

I am trying to figure out this whole 'love yourself as you are' thing. Rationally, I get it. If you enjoy who you are, right now, then a) the rest doesn't matter and b) everything else tends to fall into place, such as weight loss, because you're enjoying life and it's not such an effort to eat well/exercise/enjoy yourself. But after a lifetime of self hate, it can be tough.

I am also trying to get back into meditation/mindful thinking. Today I finally managed to still my mind for the first time in a long time! I had been having trouble recently in doing it, although I have been trying for several weeks to get to 'that' place. What I do is all self taught and just what I like to do/think for myself. I don't follow any regime or process, other than stuff I've made up myself.

Though, I think I'm making a bit of a break through. I am starting to not care what other people think. Especially people I don't know. I am usually really self conscious of what I wear, worry about how I look. But lately, I haven't been terribly worried. I don't care what strangers think. (Which, seriously, is the way it should be!!)

The last few times we've been to the beach, I just wore just my swimming costume (without the shirt to go over it) and didn't give a crap about if people were looking at me, or how I might have looked. I had fun with my family and enjoyed the water, I dug in the sand and I lolled on the beach and enjoyed it all. Little Dude brought it all to reality when he hugged me at the beach and told me so sincerely, 'This is the best day EVER mum!'.

I guess the point is I'm making progress, albeit baby steps. Though to me, that's the best kind of progress because it's more likely to be a lasting change. More likely to be long term and sustainable.

I'm still working on it all. But I haven't given up on me!

Wonder Hubby

He really is my Wonder Hubby. He is awesome and I love him to pieces. He is always striving to make me happy. He practically gives me what ever I ask for. He tries to make me laugh when I'm sad. He encourages me when I feel like I have no hope. He looks after me like no one else does. He loves all of me, even if I don't. He is a wonderful man.

He is also an awesome father. He does everything with and for the kids. He helps me around the house and in looking after the kids when he's not working. He is not unfamiliar with the washing machine, pooey nappies, or cooking dinner. He irons his own uniform for work, and our daughters uniforms for school- because I don't iron anything!

This year was our 17th anniversary of being together. 13th anniversary of being married. I can easily say that I have never not enjoyed him. I've never not loved being with him. We argue over petty things at times, but mostly we honestly enjoy each other. He can drive me bonkers when we're together a lot (he loves noise and singing at the top of his voice, I like quite and solitude!), and he certainly has a knack of annoying the shit out of me sometimes. But generally, we're happy with each other.

My life would be less without him in it. With out him to laugh with (and at)~ Without him to do things with~ Without him to raise our children with (and my goodness didn't we make AMAZING little humans together?!). I would be less with out him. Next year marks the year that we will have been with each other, as long as we had been without each other in our lives. I will have spent half of my life with this wonderful man. How lucky am I?

Reading from the beginning...

I haven't been here for 5 months. I just read my blog back from the beginning. And what I realised is that I have been fighting myself for such a long time. According to this blog, it's been 2 years, but in reality, I don't remember the last time I wasn't trying to lose weight, or that I didn't have in the back of my mind 'when I lose weight, when I get fitter, when I .......'.

That makes me so sad. I don't remember when it's ever been 'I'm happy with it all NOW'. I don't remember the last time I was really happy with myself in any of what I did or do. As a wife or mother. As a daughter or sister. As a teacher and worker. As myself. I am always dissatisfied with what I do. What I say. How I am. I need to work on that. A lot.

Because I am good and worthy and worth it. Because I do my best at what I do. Because I AM an awesome wife and mum and sister and daughter and person, in general.

Because I am a role model to my children and I never want them to be dissatisfied with themselves, as I am. Because I want a full and exciting life and have to stop waiting for 'IT' to happen. Because 'it' is happening. It is life. It happens if I am over weight or unfit or working or studying or mothering or what ever. I need to enjoy it all. Enjoy me. Enjoy life.

A new city, a new life....

It's been a while.....Around 9 months actually. And a lot has changed! We have moved from the out back, back to civilisation, and it's awesome! So much more of the stuff I like to do. The stuff I have grown up doing, like browsing in shops, going to markets and going to the cinema. I am really loving where we live.

My only hesitation in saying this place in my perfect place, is that I don't have my little village with me, which I had in the bush. The friends and their families. The routines I had. I always knew there would be some time within a week (usually with in every day!), when I would see one of my beautiful friends. At playgroup, or dancing, at the park, their houses, or just down at the shop.

Here, most of my days pass without seeing anyone other than WonderHubby and the kids. Or the other people I do see, aren't people I have quality interactions with. People I don't necessarily connect with on any level, other than 'Hi' and 'Bye'. People like the kids teachers, the lady next door, or the shop assistant who doesn't know me from the next customer she's serving.

One of the beaches about 15 minutes from our house.

One amazingly awesome thing about small towns, like where we used to live was the people you meet. The friendships and support you get. Even the shop assistants knew us. They knew I had 3 kids. They knew who WH is. They had some idea of what my life was. But here, in a much bigger city, I'm just another face in the crowd. I'm lonely for the first time in a long time. It's a big change from 4 years of being supported by such amazing people like those I had around me. I miss my friends, like mad. I see photos of them and their children and I am missing out on them. Their kids have already grown in the 4 weeks we've been gone. I won't get to be there for the milestones. I won't be there for the fun and games, or the trials and tribulations. It makes me so sad. I know that's life. I just wish I could bring them with me!

I'm sure I will build new friendships. Create a new little village. But it will take me time. I am shy by nature. I am unconfident in any kind of interest people show in me. I don't believe people would like me. I don't really make friends easily, not good friends anyway. Though I am an easy going and plain speaking kind of person, it's sometimes hard for me to let people in. I question why anyone would want to have me in their lives. Even now, after almost 17 years of being together I will still, very occasionally ask WH why he wants me in his life. He clearly loves me. And he obviously wants to be with me, to have me with him everyday. But, that's how insidious it is and and how deep my doubts run. That's how much I question myself!

Our new home is lovely. The kids seem to be settling fairly well. Bear is a lot like me, and is proving slow to warm up to her new friends. There were some tears and tough mornings for her in going to a new school. But the past week or so she is much happier going to school. There weren't any tears on going to school for the week before the school holidays. I'm hoping there won't be any after the holidays either!

Little Dude is totally go-with-the-flow, like his daddy, and has jumped into his new school and friendships with absolute enthusiasm. He and Bear have started doing Karate, which has been something Little Dude has wanted to do since he knew what it was! He was very excited and did really well for his first lesson!

And Buggy is still getting used to the idea of being uprooted. He's still unsure of his new day care, he is coming  in to sleep with me nearly every night, which was happening maybe once a week or less before we moved house. His tantrums have escalated and his anger and frustration levels are pretty high right now. That could just be the fact that he's 3 1/2, and most likely is partly due to that, but I can see he's still trying to adjust to his new life.

WonderHubby seems to be loving the change. He is enjoying his job much more, especially the hours and is enthusiastic about new opportunities he can undertake in his personal life too.

I am excited about new opportunities too. I will be able to join a gym again. I might start working a day or two a week. I want to get a bike, so I can ride to the beach.... lots of new and exciting changes ahead. And this place, the area we're living in, just feels right. It feels good. I smile when I walk or drive around. Life's pretty damned good.

Holidays

My family and I went on holidays. For the past 3 weeks, my biggest concern was if I put sunscreen on the children and which restaurant to eat in for dinner. We had a great time. It was a big, 3 week driving holiday, from inland NSW, to Sydney, to Hervey Bay Qld, and then back down the coast to Port Macquarie. And then home again, home again jiggity jig. We saw both of our families, met new little people in our families, and just spent time with our nearest and dearest. It's been a long time since we had seen some of these people. Some hadn't even met Buggity Boo, who is 2 2/3 years old! So it was lovely to catch up.

We also got to spend time as a family of 5- WonderHubby, Bear, Little Dude and Buggy and me. Enjoying each other, driving each other bonkers and loving each other. We didn't need to worry about money, or school, or work, or cooking or cleaning for a whole week. We went to the beach, and swam in the pool and shopped and ate food other people cooked. It was wonderful!

My beautiful kiddos- Buggy (2 2/3 yrs old), Bear (6 1/2 yrs old) and Little Dude (5 yrs old)