I haven't been here for 5 months. I just read my blog back from the beginning. And what I realised is that I have been fighting myself for such a long time. According to this blog, it's been 2 years, but in reality, I don't remember the last time I wasn't trying to lose weight, or that I didn't have in the back of my mind 'when I lose weight, when I get fitter, when I .......'.
That makes me so sad. I don't remember when it's ever been 'I'm happy with it all NOW'. I don't remember the last time I was really happy with myself in any of what I did or do. As a wife or mother. As a daughter or sister. As a teacher and worker. As myself. I am always dissatisfied with what I do. What I say. How I am. I need to work on that. A lot.
Because I am good and worthy and worth it. Because I do my best at what I do. Because I AM an awesome wife and mum and sister and daughter and person, in general.
Because I am a role model to my children and I never want them to be dissatisfied with themselves, as I am. Because I want a full and exciting life and have to stop waiting for 'IT' to happen. Because 'it' is happening. It is life. It happens if I am over weight or unfit or working or studying or mothering or what ever. I need to enjoy it all. Enjoy me. Enjoy life.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
A new city, a new life....
It's been a while.....Around 9 months actually. And a lot has changed! We have moved from the out back, back to civilisation, and it's awesome! So much more of the stuff I like to do. The stuff I have grown up doing, like browsing in shops, going to markets and going to the cinema. I am really loving where we live.
My only hesitation in saying this place in my perfect place, is that I don't have my little village with me, which I had in the bush. The friends and their families. The routines I had. I always knew there would be some time within a week (usually with in every day!), when I would see one of my beautiful friends. At playgroup, or dancing, at the park, their houses, or just down at the shop.
Here, most of my days pass without seeing anyone other than WonderHubby and the kids. Or the other people I do see, aren't people I have quality interactions with. People I don't necessarily connect with on any level, other than 'Hi' and 'Bye'. People like the kids teachers, the lady next door, or the shop assistant who doesn't know me from the next customer she's serving.
One amazingly awesome thing about small towns, like where we used to live was the people you meet. The friendships and support you get. Even the shop assistants knew us. They knew I had 3 kids. They knew who WH is. They had some idea of what my life was. But here, in a much bigger city, I'm just another face in the crowd. I'm lonely for the first time in a long time. It's a big change from 4 years of being supported by such amazing people like those I had around me. I miss my friends, like mad. I see photos of them and their children and I am missing out on them. Their kids have already grown in the 4 weeks we've been gone. I won't get to be there for the milestones. I won't be there for the fun and games, or the trials and tribulations. It makes me so sad. I know that's life. I just wish I could bring them with me!
I'm sure I will build new friendships. Create a new little village. But it will take me time. I am shy by nature. I am unconfident in any kind of interest people show in me. I don't believe people would like me. I don't really make friends easily, not good friends anyway. Though I am an easy going and plain speaking kind of person, it's sometimes hard for me to let people in. I question why anyone would want to have me in their lives. Even now, after almost 17 years of being together I will still, very occasionally ask WH why he wants me in his life. He clearly loves me. And he obviously wants to be with me, to have me with him everyday. But, that's how insidious it is and and how deep my doubts run. That's how much I question myself!
Our new home is lovely. The kids seem to be settling fairly well. Bear is a lot like me, and is proving slow to warm up to her new friends. There were some tears and tough mornings for her in going to a new school. But the past week or so she is much happier going to school. There weren't any tears on going to school for the week before the school holidays. I'm hoping there won't be any after the holidays either!
Little Dude is totally go-with-the-flow, like his daddy, and has jumped into his new school and friendships with absolute enthusiasm. He and Bear have started doing Karate, which has been something Little Dude has wanted to do since he knew what it was! He was very excited and did really well for his first lesson!
And Buggy is still getting used to the idea of being uprooted. He's still unsure of his new day care, he is coming in to sleep with me nearly every night, which was happening maybe once a week or less before we moved house. His tantrums have escalated and his anger and frustration levels are pretty high right now. That could just be the fact that he's 3 1/2, and most likely is partly due to that, but I can see he's still trying to adjust to his new life.
WonderHubby seems to be loving the change. He is enjoying his job much more, especially the hours and is enthusiastic about new opportunities he can undertake in his personal life too.
I am excited about new opportunities too. I will be able to join a gym again. I might start working a day or two a week. I want to get a bike, so I can ride to the beach.... lots of new and exciting changes ahead. And this place, the area we're living in, just feels right. It feels good. I smile when I walk or drive around. Life's pretty damned good.
My only hesitation in saying this place in my perfect place, is that I don't have my little village with me, which I had in the bush. The friends and their families. The routines I had. I always knew there would be some time within a week (usually with in every day!), when I would see one of my beautiful friends. At playgroup, or dancing, at the park, their houses, or just down at the shop.
Here, most of my days pass without seeing anyone other than WonderHubby and the kids. Or the other people I do see, aren't people I have quality interactions with. People I don't necessarily connect with on any level, other than 'Hi' and 'Bye'. People like the kids teachers, the lady next door, or the shop assistant who doesn't know me from the next customer she's serving.
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| One of the beaches about 15 minutes from our house. |
I'm sure I will build new friendships. Create a new little village. But it will take me time. I am shy by nature. I am unconfident in any kind of interest people show in me. I don't believe people would like me. I don't really make friends easily, not good friends anyway. Though I am an easy going and plain speaking kind of person, it's sometimes hard for me to let people in. I question why anyone would want to have me in their lives. Even now, after almost 17 years of being together I will still, very occasionally ask WH why he wants me in his life. He clearly loves me. And he obviously wants to be with me, to have me with him everyday. But, that's how insidious it is and and how deep my doubts run. That's how much I question myself!
Our new home is lovely. The kids seem to be settling fairly well. Bear is a lot like me, and is proving slow to warm up to her new friends. There were some tears and tough mornings for her in going to a new school. But the past week or so she is much happier going to school. There weren't any tears on going to school for the week before the school holidays. I'm hoping there won't be any after the holidays either!
And Buggy is still getting used to the idea of being uprooted. He's still unsure of his new day care, he is coming in to sleep with me nearly every night, which was happening maybe once a week or less before we moved house. His tantrums have escalated and his anger and frustration levels are pretty high right now. That could just be the fact that he's 3 1/2, and most likely is partly due to that, but I can see he's still trying to adjust to his new life.
WonderHubby seems to be loving the change. He is enjoying his job much more, especially the hours and is enthusiastic about new opportunities he can undertake in his personal life too.
I am excited about new opportunities too. I will be able to join a gym again. I might start working a day or two a week. I want to get a bike, so I can ride to the beach.... lots of new and exciting changes ahead. And this place, the area we're living in, just feels right. It feels good. I smile when I walk or drive around. Life's pretty damned good.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Holidays
My family and I went on holidays. For the past 3 weeks, my biggest concern was if I put sunscreen on the children and which restaurant to eat in for dinner. We had a great time. It was a big, 3 week driving holiday, from inland NSW, to Sydney, to Hervey Bay Qld, and then back down the coast to Port Macquarie. And then home again, home again jiggity jig. We saw both of our families, met new little people in our families, and just spent time with our nearest and dearest. It's been a long time since we had seen some of these people. Some hadn't even met Buggity Boo, who is 2 2/3 years old! So it was lovely to catch up.
We also got to spend time as a family of 5- WonderHubby, Bear, Little Dude and Buggy and me. Enjoying each other, driving each other bonkers and loving each other. We didn't need to worry about money, or school, or work, or cooking or cleaning for a whole week. We went to the beach, and swam in the pool and shopped and ate food other people cooked. It was wonderful!
We also got to spend time as a family of 5- WonderHubby, Bear, Little Dude and Buggy and me. Enjoying each other, driving each other bonkers and loving each other. We didn't need to worry about money, or school, or work, or cooking or cleaning for a whole week. We went to the beach, and swam in the pool and shopped and ate food other people cooked. It was wonderful!
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My beautiful kiddos- Buggy (2 2/3 yrs old), Bear (6 1/2 yrs old) and Little Dude (5 yrs old) |
Saturday, September 14, 2013
I'm feeling it (just a little bit!)
Positive that is. About being me. About living in my own skin. About not caring what other people think about me. About my size, or shape or looks. Because I am a pretty cool person.
I am generous. I am kind. I am giving. I am intelligent. I am sympathetic and empathetic. I am loving. I am creative. I am considerate. I am sensitive. I am supportive. I am friendly.
I am also very lucky. I have a wonderful husband, who is loyal and loving and generous. I have beautiful children, who are intelligent and healthy and amazing. I have friends who care about and laugh with me. I live in a great country, town, home. I have plenty of clothes, a bed, belongings and more food than I need, than my family needs. I have enough money to do what I need to, and also what I don't *need* to, but want to. I have more than enough in life. And I am so amazingly blessed and lucky to be me. I have enough. I AM enough.
I need to really start appreciating that. Who gives a shit about how fat I am or how I look, or what size I wear, except me?
I am generous. I am kind. I am giving. I am intelligent. I am sympathetic and empathetic. I am loving. I am creative. I am considerate. I am sensitive. I am supportive. I am friendly.
I am also very lucky. I have a wonderful husband, who is loyal and loving and generous. I have beautiful children, who are intelligent and healthy and amazing. I have friends who care about and laugh with me. I live in a great country, town, home. I have plenty of clothes, a bed, belongings and more food than I need, than my family needs. I have enough money to do what I need to, and also what I don't *need* to, but want to. I have more than enough in life. And I am so amazingly blessed and lucky to be me. I have enough. I AM enough.
I need to really start appreciating that. Who gives a shit about how fat I am or how I look, or what size I wear, except me?
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I believe:
I believe:
If I can make my thoughts positive, get to a place where I can love me, for me, no matter how I look, just because I am a good, giving and generous person; then I will be able to give back to myself. I will realise that I am worthy of any effort I put into myself. I am working on it.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Where I'm at
It has been a long time between posts. Sorry about that. I have not been feeling like much of a success at anything, so have just felt deflated and like I have been going around in circles. Doing the same things, saying the same things.
Re-reading a few of my posts, I guess I am in a pretty static kind of pattern. Not much has changed really. I am still over-weight. Parenting is getting easier as the kids get bigger, though I still have moments of big stress and anxiety with it all. WonderHubby and I are doing really well together, though we are usually pretty happy with each other and it was never a concern of mine to improve or change our relationship. I did begin studying, and I am happy to say passed my first Bachelor's degree (in Early Childhood Teaching). I finally have my degree, after 8 years of on and off study! I applied to do the Bachelor in Primary Teaching, though after a slow, and not so great start (with sick children and myself being sick at the beginning of the course) I have put that on hold until this time next year. I am going to enjoy just being a wife, mum and me for now.
Unfortunately I am no fitter, stronger or lighter than I was before. I have actually gained a little more weight, and neither have I really come to terms at all with how I am or who I am. Which does not help my desire and need to lose weight and get fit at all. I have begun to research some different methods of controlling weight and ways to learn to love yourself. I'm trying hard to just get on with liking myself. For the way I am now. Not for the way I want to be, or the way people tell me I 'should' be. I'm working on it still.
I think the changes I need are mental. Once my head is in the right space, then the body will follow. I don't want to 'diet'. I want to be able to eat healthy foods and exercise, like I used to, and just be fit and active and happy in life. But a lifetime of self deprecation and self loathing will take a long time to change. It will take time for me to think myself worthy of loving me. I think my mind is changing slowly. My thoughts are becoming more positive. But I have more negative thoughts than good when I think of me. It's hard for me to list good things about myself, to say positive aspects of me. If someone shames me somehow, or says something negative about me, I am quick to believe it, and it takes a lot of hard work to change that. Particularly when it's friends and family, and particularly when it's about what I look like, wear, eat or do fitness wise. Even if it's unintentional, I am quick to believe the negative stuff and find it really hard to actually believe the positive stuff. And it's even harder for me to truly believe and say it about myself.
My 35th birthday is in a few days and that is totally not helping in making me feel any better about myself and where I'm at. Whilst I realise aging is inevitable, I am feeling decidedly old this year. I put it down to a combination of my children growing so fast before my eyes, me feeling old because I am overweight and unfit, and just the fact I am 35. It feels like such an 'adult' age. I also don't feel like I'm having a lot of fun with life. The kids are my main focus, and between Buggyboo insisting 4am is the perfect time to wake up of a morning, Bear Bear having tantrums and meltdowns at school every morning when I leave her, and Little Dude having some sort of testosterone surge, with anger, frustration and hyper activity as symptoms, the burdens of day to day life get just a little boring, and laborious. Plus there isn't much fun to be had here in the sticks...
Tomorrow begins my first attempts in a long time to start getting into an exercise routine of some sort. I will be starting off very easily. A little walking, a little stretching and a little weight bearing stuff. Nothing too strenuous, and no big expectations of myself. Things I can do in my time, by myself, or with the kids around.
So that's it I guess. The last few months in a nutshell. Kind of. There have been a few more memorable things happen, but I will leave it there for now. Here's to learning to love me.
Re-reading a few of my posts, I guess I am in a pretty static kind of pattern. Not much has changed really. I am still over-weight. Parenting is getting easier as the kids get bigger, though I still have moments of big stress and anxiety with it all. WonderHubby and I are doing really well together, though we are usually pretty happy with each other and it was never a concern of mine to improve or change our relationship. I did begin studying, and I am happy to say passed my first Bachelor's degree (in Early Childhood Teaching). I finally have my degree, after 8 years of on and off study! I applied to do the Bachelor in Primary Teaching, though after a slow, and not so great start (with sick children and myself being sick at the beginning of the course) I have put that on hold until this time next year. I am going to enjoy just being a wife, mum and me for now.
Unfortunately I am no fitter, stronger or lighter than I was before. I have actually gained a little more weight, and neither have I really come to terms at all with how I am or who I am. Which does not help my desire and need to lose weight and get fit at all. I have begun to research some different methods of controlling weight and ways to learn to love yourself. I'm trying hard to just get on with liking myself. For the way I am now. Not for the way I want to be, or the way people tell me I 'should' be. I'm working on it still.
I think the changes I need are mental. Once my head is in the right space, then the body will follow. I don't want to 'diet'. I want to be able to eat healthy foods and exercise, like I used to, and just be fit and active and happy in life. But a lifetime of self deprecation and self loathing will take a long time to change. It will take time for me to think myself worthy of loving me. I think my mind is changing slowly. My thoughts are becoming more positive. But I have more negative thoughts than good when I think of me. It's hard for me to list good things about myself, to say positive aspects of me. If someone shames me somehow, or says something negative about me, I am quick to believe it, and it takes a lot of hard work to change that. Particularly when it's friends and family, and particularly when it's about what I look like, wear, eat or do fitness wise. Even if it's unintentional, I am quick to believe the negative stuff and find it really hard to actually believe the positive stuff. And it's even harder for me to truly believe and say it about myself.
My 35th birthday is in a few days and that is totally not helping in making me feel any better about myself and where I'm at. Whilst I realise aging is inevitable, I am feeling decidedly old this year. I put it down to a combination of my children growing so fast before my eyes, me feeling old because I am overweight and unfit, and just the fact I am 35. It feels like such an 'adult' age. I also don't feel like I'm having a lot of fun with life. The kids are my main focus, and between Buggyboo insisting 4am is the perfect time to wake up of a morning, Bear Bear having tantrums and meltdowns at school every morning when I leave her, and Little Dude having some sort of testosterone surge, with anger, frustration and hyper activity as symptoms, the burdens of day to day life get just a little boring, and laborious. Plus there isn't much fun to be had here in the sticks...
Tomorrow begins my first attempts in a long time to start getting into an exercise routine of some sort. I will be starting off very easily. A little walking, a little stretching and a little weight bearing stuff. Nothing too strenuous, and no big expectations of myself. Things I can do in my time, by myself, or with the kids around.
So that's it I guess. The last few months in a nutshell. Kind of. There have been a few more memorable things happen, but I will leave it there for now. Here's to learning to love me.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
It's been a long while...
I haven't posted in a long time. I think in part that is because I have been unmotivated to, by my life in general. I feel I do the same things day in day out. But, in saying that I have also been super busy with all of that same-stuff-different-day stuff!
In hind sight, I suppose a fair bit has happened over the last month or two. Bear Bear started kindy, big school. She is absolutely loving it and is in her element. She has received several awards and is learning to read at a rate of knots. Little Dude has started at pre school and has made new friends and is settling in, and Buggy Boo is back at day care, two days a week this year and he just loves going.
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| Little Dude and Bear walking Buggy to day care for the first time this year. |
I have, once again, started studying at uni. It is all a little overwhelming, but I am just sticking to the suggested schedule and doing what I have to. I will get back into the swing of it all, it has just been over 2 years since I have studied anything! My brain has turned into mummy-mush. Plus it's a subject I have failed (after having my babies #1 and #2) so I am a bit nervous that I might fail again. But I have plenty of time to devote to studies, with all of the kids in day care/pre school/ school for two days a week. I just need to be organised, which is so not my forte. I am working on that!
I am feeling a bit more in control of everything, and I think it's safe to say I am not suffering with my PND or any sort of depression right now. I am able to keep the house clean (more oft than not!), see the good in life and just enjoy the moment, not thinking of the "what if's", "what I did wrong's" and "how terrible I am's". There are more and more moments of loving life, and even a few of loving me. Whilst sleep is still broken and not ideal, I am rested most days and if not, I have two days to myself, where I can sleep if I need to, or just zone out and not stress about things (after I have finished studying for that day of course!).
On the weight loss front, well....I'm not losing weight. I'm not any fitter, but I am also not any fatter. I am still a working on it all, and I am getting there with prioritising me, and making sure I eat well and most importantly for me to focus on, that I get out and exercise. So much of it is in my own head and that is proving to be the tough part to really change. Yet another work in progress!
WonderHubby is well, just as wonderful as ever. He IS going absolutely great guns on losing weight, and has lost about 10kg since the beginning of the year. (Why, oh why, is it that men seem to do it so much more easily than women?!!!) And as proud of him as I am, because he is focused and determined and has done it all by himself, I must say I am also a touch jealous/frustrated/envious of how he can focus so well and JFDI (just fucking DO IT!!!). I have so much more weight to lose than him, and barely a kilo is gone since January this year.
Because I have more time to myself, I am being better. Better mum, wife, house wife, friend and even community member. I am finding my patience, my understanding, drive and my want to give again. MY mojo is returning. The mojo I lost in becoming mum. I am becoming a better me. Different to before, but the same too. I am finding my humour and my perspective. Clarity. Oh sweet clarity. It is great to have it all back. I am becoming a happy chappy again.
I am feeling a bit more in control of everything, and I think it's safe to say I am not suffering with my PND or any sort of depression right now. I am able to keep the house clean (more oft than not!), see the good in life and just enjoy the moment, not thinking of the "what if's", "what I did wrong's" and "how terrible I am's". There are more and more moments of loving life, and even a few of loving me. Whilst sleep is still broken and not ideal, I am rested most days and if not, I have two days to myself, where I can sleep if I need to, or just zone out and not stress about things (after I have finished studying for that day of course!).
On the weight loss front, well....I'm not losing weight. I'm not any fitter, but I am also not any fatter. I am still a working on it all, and I am getting there with prioritising me, and making sure I eat well and most importantly for me to focus on, that I get out and exercise. So much of it is in my own head and that is proving to be the tough part to really change. Yet another work in progress!
WonderHubby is well, just as wonderful as ever. He IS going absolutely great guns on losing weight, and has lost about 10kg since the beginning of the year. (Why, oh why, is it that men seem to do it so much more easily than women?!!!) And as proud of him as I am, because he is focused and determined and has done it all by himself, I must say I am also a touch jealous/frustrated/envious of how he can focus so well and JFDI (just fucking DO IT!!!). I have so much more weight to lose than him, and barely a kilo is gone since January this year.
Because I have more time to myself, I am being better. Better mum, wife, house wife, friend and even community member. I am finding my patience, my understanding, drive and my want to give again. MY mojo is returning. The mojo I lost in becoming mum. I am becoming a better me. Different to before, but the same too. I am finding my humour and my perspective. Clarity. Oh sweet clarity. It is great to have it all back. I am becoming a happy chappy again.
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