Working on it

It has been a long few days since my friend, Lovely Lady (from this post http://kellieem.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/its-leaving-time.html ), left. I have struggled with the lonely times and she's only been gone for 4 days! I am missing her terribly. Everyone else is busy or away or working. I have been feeling like I did when we first arrived here. When I really did have no-one but the Hubby and the kids. Just really down and at a loss as to what to do.

I have come to realise, my focus for happiness is being with other adults now. My reason for 'happy' is other adults being in my life. In particular,  wonderHubby and my good friends. Especially if I'm alone with the kids. I feel stressed out and on edge. Waiting for the next demand, meltdown or tanty. But if I'm with other people, I'm better. A better mum for them. It's easier to deal with. 

It's kind of depressing knowing that my happiness depends so much on other people. It is only since I have had children I have felt like that though. My locus for happiness now, is extrinsic. Does that mean I am really unhappy with myself, because my happiness isn't intrinsic? If I am without my kids, I love to be alone. I like my own company. But for some reason if the kids are around, it's really tough to be alone with them. I struggle to happily meet their needs and constant demands. I easily get really bored of playing their games like play dough, Barbies, trains or drawing. I really hate going to the park on my own. The kids are bored if there are no other children to play with (I know, go figure!!). So they nag me, and really, it is just easier to stay home and have them nag me here, rather than in public where judgements might happen. 

Today we did painting. They loved it, and I even sat down and did a few masterpieces for 15mins or so. Then I had to go, all I had on my mind was what I have to do. I went to make some apple pancakes for morning tea and left them to it, I needed to do a thousand loads of washing, my kitchen needs tidying.....

But if I'm honest, I was bored brainless playing with them. I do it because they like me to, not because I actually really want to. I want to make them happy, so I do what I don't want to. I guess that's a lot of what it takes to be a mum. Sacrificing what you want and what you like for your kids. Though I think I have gone a little overboard and sacrificed too much of me. Which takes me back to having to have other people in my life to be happy.

So being without friends to be with, I am not being a great mum. I feel like a terrible failure because I can't cope well with my own children who, in reality are gorgeous, wonderful little people. My emotions are wild. I could cry at the drop of a hat (though I am holding that in rather well right now!) I have no one to vent to, commiserate with, have an adult conversation with, or just sit with and watch the kids play. No-one I can call to come over and fold washing with. I feel pathetic needing company so badly. But I do. I have a hole in my life I am struggling to fill. I know it will take time and new coping methods. But this feeling is horrendous. I haven't felt it in so long. I am working on getting over it....

Up and Down....

This last week or two has been really up and down. Emotionally  and  health-wise.  It has been a stressful and a bit of an anxious time, with some personal changes going on. I have been sick the past week. Nothing serious, just a bad cold, but I've been miserable none the less!

I weighed and measured myself this morning and I have lost over a kilo and 6cm over all this month. Eating has been ok, not wonderful, with serveral unnecssary treats in there. I gained over a kilo last week, so I have just lost that again. Yoyo-ing, already.

Exercise- still not doing enough or regularly, or to any kind of timetable or anything. ....hoping to get to the park with the kids today and I will walk/run around the park while they play. Or maybe just run around with them with a ball. My cold is going now, so I am properly focused again. The last few days have been hit and miss with food and no exercise! Go figure.....After a little meltdown and freak out last week at gaining over a kilo back, I have no idea what my body is doing.

I really felt like this week was an ok week. I felt like at least I should have stayed the same, not gained, and more than a kilo?! That kilo took me more than two weeks to lose!!! I think that is why it is so disheartening. I had worked so hard to get it all off, then BAM in a few days it's all back, and then some. I know alot of it is in my head, I have been trying to use the strategies I have to not 'eat my emotions', but still I couldn't resist the emotional eating crap. Will this end or am I doomed to do this to myself forever??

I was ready to give up again. After a pathetic SMS to a gorgeous friend, I managed to get my mind into gear again. A HUGE thank you to her for mustering some motivation in me. I just don't know where I'm going SO wrong. I know I haven't had a perfect week with eating, I didn't exercise all that much, but again, that's not really different than any other week. And seriously, a whole kilo??? It was actually 1.1kg. I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel like all I'm doing is depriving myself of things I enjoy for nothing. All I think about is food and what I * should/shouldn't* do. Everything is just such a struggle when it comes to food right now. It should just be food. Not everything else I seem to think it is!

Now I am back to tracking kilojoules and eating sensibly. Trying to exercise when I can. I will be making a roster thingy when I get WonderHubby's new work roster, so that I can get out kid free at least 1hr, 4 times a week. If that is all I do then it is a good weekly effort. Being kid free will be a motivator for me to actually do it.

It's been about 6 weeks since I started with trying to change myself. It's proving to be really tough, but I am trying very hard to persevere. I'm learning that my biggest hurdle is to stop my emotional eating. That is where I trip myself up the most. Lonely? A mars bar will help that. Tired? Have a bickie or 5! Kids are all at preschool and you have time to yourself? Go out for a hot chocolate and cake. Food is my rewards, my solace, my comfort. I need to change those things. I think when I manage to associate comfort and rewards with other things I will be onto a winner. I am still struggling with that!

Since May 18th, I have- 

Lost 3.5kg and 6cm over all.

It's leaving time

One of my gorgeous friends from this post, http://kellieem.blogspot.com.au/2012/05/my-friends.html, is leaving. I knew the day would come one day, but I was trying to ignore the fact it would happen. She is one of the best friends I have had for a very long time. We see each other nearly daily, and have done so for at least 6months. She is someone I am totally comfortable with. I know there is no judgement. I know there is always honesty. Always an ear to talk off and a shoulder to lean on. She is welcome in my home anytime. Even when it's a horrid mess, which is a huge deal for me. I hate the thought of judgement due to appearances, so if someone comes over my house is usually at least tidy, with the mess hidden away! But with her (and 2 other special friends), I couldn't care less. My house is a sty? Come for coffee, I need to see you!

Bear, Little Dude and her Little Miss are all around the same ages. They adore each other, so much so, my kids ask me if we're going to see Little Miss EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. It will be tough for them to understand why they can't see each other anymore. It's going to be really hard for me to say goodbye. It has made me think of other people and things I have had to say goodbye to. And I am pretty terrible at it. I am really bad at letting go. 

We have one more week to see each other, to actually be in each others company. And then it will be a long distance friendship, with no real time frame for when we might be able to see each other again. This day and age makes long distance friendships and relationships easier with e-mail and skype and mobile phones, but still it's not the same. 

I anticipate a terrible day for me, the start of a tough ride. On the day that they leave here. Living in a mining town, and many families being 'mining families', other people here are probably used to farewells. But I had lived in Sydney my whole life. The same suburb, I went to the same school, saw the same people, I had the same friends and people in my life. All the time. I haven't ever really had to say goodbye. Until we came here. I have seen a few families leave that we know leave. People who we were acquaintances with, but no one I was close with, it wasn't hard to give a wave and say good luck with everything. So this will be tough. A pretty big personal challenge. I think I will be a sobbing mess. 

So Lovely Lady, I know you will read this. Be forewarned. I will be a sobbing mess. Try to ignore me. I will get through it eventually. You're just moving towns, a long way away, granted, but you're not leaving my life. We will visit each other one day, and call, and maybe even write if we get the time. But you and your girl rock my world. So I need to mourn not seeing you often enough. Ok?

I am smaller!

In my first post, I said that when I posted next, I would be smaller, lighter, there would be less chubba-lub. And there has been. I just had the light bulb moment where I realised that for almost 6 weeks, I have been losing weight. I am getting healthier. It is a slow journey, but that is supposed to be better for you.
I have lost another 400g. ALMOST broken through that 94kg barrier, just a measly 100g to go!! I haven't measured myself this week. I will do it fortnightly to get more accurate results.

The Hubby and I have gone sugar free this week. I had a horrible day the first day, with a huge headache and terrible mood swings, but since then it seems to be all down hill for me. I must admit I am missing sugar in my coffee, but the rest of it has been fairly easy really. I have had the odd craving for chocolate, particularly my hot chocolates of a night, though it hasn't been the sort of irresistible, unmanageable urges I thought I would get. I have replaced the hot drinks with others- with either warm milk, a green tea, or simply warm water. All I really need on a cold night, is that warmth going through me, it's not necessarily the taste that I need.

I still really need to work on prioritising exercise. This morning I went for a walk/run. But it is the first real exercise I have done all week. I have been using the Hubby being at work alot this week as my excuse. As well as being tired from not sleeping alot. But I need to ignore it all. Because it will all be there if I exercise or not. But if I exercise and lose weight, get healthier and fitter, it might all be easier to deal with. And even if it's not, I will be fitter and healthier. That in itself is the bonus!

The weight loss story continued....

So, my weight loss efforts have been pretty piss poor, until the last few days. Over the weekend, I had a huge blowout, food wise. Luckily enough for me, I haven't gained any of the weight I had lost, but also haven't lost any more after having a pretty good week before hand! I need to up the ante on the exercise front, as well as being more mindful and careful of what I'm eating.

I have done a fair amount of comfort eating, instead of focusing on eating for hunger. The Hubby has just had 4 night shifts, half a day off and 4 day shifts, which kills both of us, because we're both so tired and grizzly at each other. Little Dude and Buggity Boo are sick, and have been for about 6 weeks on and off. We just can't seem to shake their illnesses. That means several very sleepless nights for me, and it's usually on  WonderHubby's night shifts, so I have to cope on my own with them. Which stresses me out, and makes me anxious at the thought of nights shifts at home alone with sick children. And that in turn, causes me to comfort/stress/boredom eat. Bleugh. I wish I dealt with stuff with something else, instead of food!

I have eaten well and feel pretty good, right now. In the zone. I would love to go out and for a walk/run, but I have the three kids home, and no one else to look after them. When Hubby works, generally I can't go out of the house to exercise. I can do some wii-fit exercise, which does get the heart rate up, but I don't particularly enjoy it. So I procrastinate, and put it off all day. Today I did run around with the ball with the kids at the park. And I walked about 30mins all up through the day, from here to there and around the place, though that is with an almost-4-year-old in tow. And he is slow. Painfully slow at times! I have lots of excuses and 'reasons' to get past. I still need to JUST DO IT!!!!!

All up at the end of this week, I have lost no weight, but 2cm overall. Go figure. Since I have barely exercised at all, I probably just measured differently to last fortnight....

As of last night, 11th June, I am 94.4kg, 3.6kg weight loss and a 2cm loss from my measurements.

My Nan

*Warning post is about dying and death

She's an awesome old duck. She absolutely rocks my world. We share a birthday, she and I. Generations apart, but the same date. The 27th August. I think we share more than that. We share a special bond. She's a special lady. She holds a piece of my heart no one else could. When I think of her, I am filled with smiles and happiness and all of those lovely warm, fuzzy feelings. She is almost 95 years old, though doesn't seem a day past 75, lol! If I can be half the person she is, then I would be a pretty cool lady. I want to grow up to be just like my Nanna one day.

Sadly, right now, Nan is pretty sick. She had a heart attack a few days ago and is in the high dependency ward in hospital. I am filled with dread and utter sadness when I think of her passing away. I have had several bouts of tears thinking about it. The Hubby had a humourless little laugh at me, because I was crying and she's not even gone. I can laugh at it too, because she has lived a huge life. I realise she will not be long for this earth, at 94 years of age. 

She has 4 children (though only 3 living), a pack of grandchildren and even more great grand children. She has done a lot in her life and has lived well. I don't think dying, for her, would be something dreaded or feared. I think she knows her time is coming soon. She believes in the afterlife and she would take solace in the thought she was going to be with my grandfather who passed away many years ago now (about 25 years ago now), and my Uncle who sadly passed away as a fairly young man. As well as being with many of her friends and siblings who have passed on too. She has seen many loved one pass away. 

She is an amazing lady. She always knows what to say. She is eloquent and has a wisdom only time, a busy life and tragedy can bring. She is strong and independent. She tells amazing stories of her life and I love to listen to her. She writes impressively well, too. I love to receive her hand written letters, even now, at her age, she has beautiful handwriting. She has heaps and heaps of old photos and knows all of the old stories behind them. When I see her I hug her and hold her, and take a big deep breath, because her smell conjures so many wonderful memories. I don't think I have a bad one to tell you about her. 

The thought of her not being here is a heartwrenching one to me. Even if she weren't sick right now, I think I would cry at the thought of her leaving this world. When she does go, there will be a huge hole left by her. In so, so many people's lives. The thought of her passing right now, with the last time I saw her having been about 8 weeks ago is horrible. I want to up and go to her now. But we live 900 km's away from her. I have 3 small children, who have their little lives here. The Hubby couldn't get time off work. I have commitments here. It's expensive to get there and we don't have the spare money. The car has bald tyres and we can't get them replaced just yet. My reasons are many. It's just not doable right now. 

So universe, you'd better be listening. Don't take her just yet. Please. I need to see her again. Smell her familiar smell, and feel her silky skin. See her comforting smile, and hear her calm and soothing voice. She still has work to do, my Nan. I know it.


*** 18/6/12: I must add, for anyone interested, my beautiful Nan is now home, and has recovered well. It ended up not being a heart attack as first thought, but rather something wrong with her lungs which caused her heart to play up too. Thankfully there will be no lasting effects of this and Nan should be up to her usual shenanigans in no time!

Blessed

WonderHubby and I have been amazingly blessed. We have three beautiful healthy and happy children. I have been on a huge learning curve since becoming a mother, as has Hubby since becoming 'Dad' (a.k.a. Da or Diddy in our house).

Our kids are awesome little people. They surprise me, humor me, anger me and frustrate me no end. It is such a roller coaster of emotions with them everyday. But at the end of the day, I usually kiss them, love them, tell them how amazingly proud I am of them, how awesome they are and I absolutely appreciate them for the beautiful people they are becoming.

Our big girl, Bear is 5 years and 2 months old. She is a beautiful looking child, as well as being beautiful inside too. She has amazing big blue eyes, straight brown hair and pale peaches and cream skin. She is going to be a heart breaker and a ball breaker, lol! She is very intelligent and curious. She loves to learn and will know something if you tell her or show her once, she remembers things I said 3 years ago, literally. She is great at figuring conundrums out by herself. Often serious and very mature for her age, she is a leader and is competitive. She enjoys lots of different types of humour, but often finds the most simple things funny. She is articulate and loves to talk. Some days she talks so much to me that I think my ears will bleed! I am often playing the 'who can be the quietest game' with her, trying to keep her from talking my ears off! She adores being a big sister and looks after her little brothers and loves to help me. She is a girly girl, and loves feminine things, but is also strong and very physical, always jumping running dancing and climbing. She has a quirky sense of style and has been dressing herself since she was about 2. She is eager to please and dislikes any kind of criticism. She knows how to make her brothers do things for her and can be very clever and manipulative! She is creative and loves music, dancing, drawing, painting and anything crafty.

Mr-in-the-middle, Little Dude, is 3 years and 9months old. My Little Dude is lovely. He has big long-eye-lashed blue eyes that make me melt. He has an infectious laugh and smile. And a little bit of a lisp, that I love listening to. He is my over-emotional affecionado. He loves to cuddle. He is thoughtful and considerate. Loving and so totally lovable. He learns from being hands on, and I suspect when he goes to school he will quickly be labelled 'the class clown'. He loves to be silly and make people laugh. He is definitely not serious and laughs at  the most inopportune moments. He likes to please people, though only on his terms. If there is something he doesn't want to do, then he digs his heels in and is stubborn and impossible to reason with. Though his sister has him totally figured out and often has him running around to do things for her. He loves to get dirty and play outdoors, especially in mud or sand. He loves traditional 'boys' things like trucks, trains and rough housing, but he will also dress up as a fairy and prance about with his sister (I suspect this is mostly because it makes her happy!). He has told me many times he wants to be a daddy just like his daddy, and I think he'd make an amazing daddy in (hopefully MANY!) years to come. He is genuine and loyal and a deep thinker. He frustrates the absolute crap out of me at times (though that's my issue, not his) and he hates to think he's let anyone down, he will often burst out crying if he thinks he's really hurt someone.

Then there's #3, Buggity Boo. He is  17months old. He has charisma up the wazoo. I am often told that he is an old soul. And boy, sometimes I really do think he must be. He seems to instinctively know when someone needs loving. He knows who will love him back. He often approaches strangers and gives them big full on hugs. We were waiting in a doctors surgery one day and he gave an old lady a huge full body snuggle. He left her with a tear rolling down her cheek. He just *knows*. He is affectionate and loving. He is clever and is learning at a rate of knots. He is so curious and he has to be a part of everything, and comes running if he hears voices or strange noises! He is active, spirited and adventurous and gets into absolutely everything, making twice as much mess for me to tidy, and driving me bananas. I have often found him joyfully dancing on the dining table to a tv jingle. He is a crafty little thinker and is always on his toes. He knows when his best opportunities to create havoc are, and will go about his business stealthily! Although, it is so hard to get cranky at him, when he looks at me with his big baby blues and huge dimply smile. He is charming and a bit of a clown like his big brother.  He is an absolute joy and brings light and laughter wherever he goes.

Then there's my WonderHubby. He is awesome, truly a wonder hubby. My soft place to fall, my rock, my pillar, my Mr. Dependable. He forgives me my short-comings and loves me for me. Because I'm me. I love him to the moon and back and would be totally lost without him. He is loyal and genuine and his emotions run deep, but he won't let you know it, just like our Little Dude. He is intelligent and rational. He's an antagonist and likes a good argument. Unfortunately for him, I don't. I hate arguing, even if it's for 'fun'. He is affable and cheerful and is all about having fun. He can turn almost any bad situation into something positive. He is definitely a glass-half-full kind of person, as opposed to my at times, it's-all-too-hard, easily overwhelmed, glass-half-empty disposition. He can also just get on with it most of the time, again unlike me, who gets caught up in the details and the emotions of things. He can come across as a bit full on and arrogant when you first meet him, but that is just him, he's not arrogant. Besides, he doesn't really worry what anyone but those he really love thinks. One of the attributes I love about him, maybe even envy a bit. He can filter out other peoples' crap. He is an amazing father and if my children grow up to be half the person, parent, friend, and partner he is, I will be terribly proud of them. He is my wonderful WonderHubby and I love him to pieces.

So, there is an insight to my amazing family. I am one lucky lady. I know it, I work hard to maintain it and try to remember it all the time, and to be gracious about it and grateful for it all. It's not a picnic in the park, it's not all roses all of the time. But it's my life, and it's one hell of an amazing and tantalising ride!!