Working on it

It has been a long few days since my friend, Lovely Lady (from this post http://kellieem.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/its-leaving-time.html ), left. I have struggled with the lonely times and she's only been gone for 4 days! I am missing her terribly. Everyone else is busy or away or working. I have been feeling like I did when we first arrived here. When I really did have no-one but the Hubby and the kids. Just really down and at a loss as to what to do.

I have come to realise, my focus for happiness is being with other adults now. My reason for 'happy' is other adults being in my life. In particular,  wonderHubby and my good friends. Especially if I'm alone with the kids. I feel stressed out and on edge. Waiting for the next demand, meltdown or tanty. But if I'm with other people, I'm better. A better mum for them. It's easier to deal with. 

It's kind of depressing knowing that my happiness depends so much on other people. It is only since I have had children I have felt like that though. My locus for happiness now, is extrinsic. Does that mean I am really unhappy with myself, because my happiness isn't intrinsic? If I am without my kids, I love to be alone. I like my own company. But for some reason if the kids are around, it's really tough to be alone with them. I struggle to happily meet their needs and constant demands. I easily get really bored of playing their games like play dough, Barbies, trains or drawing. I really hate going to the park on my own. The kids are bored if there are no other children to play with (I know, go figure!!). So they nag me, and really, it is just easier to stay home and have them nag me here, rather than in public where judgements might happen. 

Today we did painting. They loved it, and I even sat down and did a few masterpieces for 15mins or so. Then I had to go, all I had on my mind was what I have to do. I went to make some apple pancakes for morning tea and left them to it, I needed to do a thousand loads of washing, my kitchen needs tidying.....

But if I'm honest, I was bored brainless playing with them. I do it because they like me to, not because I actually really want to. I want to make them happy, so I do what I don't want to. I guess that's a lot of what it takes to be a mum. Sacrificing what you want and what you like for your kids. Though I think I have gone a little overboard and sacrificed too much of me. Which takes me back to having to have other people in my life to be happy.

So being without friends to be with, I am not being a great mum. I feel like a terrible failure because I can't cope well with my own children who, in reality are gorgeous, wonderful little people. My emotions are wild. I could cry at the drop of a hat (though I am holding that in rather well right now!) I have no one to vent to, commiserate with, have an adult conversation with, or just sit with and watch the kids play. No-one I can call to come over and fold washing with. I feel pathetic needing company so badly. But I do. I have a hole in my life I am struggling to fill. I know it will take time and new coping methods. But this feeling is horrendous. I haven't felt it in so long. I am working on getting over it....