On my day

To my wonderful friends and husband and children.

I have to be the luckiest girl alive. Yesterday you all made me feel like a princess for a day and it was special. You made cards and cake and ice cream. I got candle light, bubbles, wine and laughter. You all gave me hugs and kisses and beautiful words and love. These things in themselves were gifts enough to make me thankful. But I was also lucky enough that I also got presents of the unwrapping variety. Thoughtful and meaningful things. Thing which tell me you all know me well and have put a lot of effort into thinking of me. You have no idea what it all means to me to feel so special. Thank you.

This has got to be my best birthday yet. I love you all.

Me: Re-visited

I had been struggling with things a weeks or so ago. By 'things' I mean my internal voices. My own consciousness which tells me what I want and what I am aiming for with my life. At the moment, with being a stay at home mum, a lot of my life is about my family. My kids and husband. What I should do for them, what they want, what I can do to help them be happy.

Though recently I had realised, that I wasn't doing anything of what *I* wanted. Almost at all. Nothing of my life was for me. Which was why I started this blog- to help me focus a little bit on that. A little bit of myself. Bring what I enjoy doing, entirely for myself back into being! It was also doing what I want to do, listening to those little voices, which tell me to keep the house cleaner, to cook and feed my family better food, to be a more attentive wife and mother.

I did lose focus again, for a little bit. Then I re-read my first few blogs. I remembered how I felt then. Quite lost and at a loss. So I refocused on what I really do want. Some of it was about becoming a better wife and mum, but I think mostly I need to become a version of me that suits my situation right now. A stay-at-home mum to three young children. Wife to WonderHubby. A full time house wife. Personally I am overweight, unfit and unfocused. A little mentally unchallenged. Right now, that is my life.

Since starting to write my 'stuff' down, I have been more focused. I have been doing better and being just me, not mum, not wife, not housekeeper. Though I am all of those things, I am also finding out who *I* am too again. I am a different me to who I was when I wasn't a mum. But I also am that same person, just kind of upgraded a bit. I have read a few books recently, which was something I loved to do pre-kids, but gave up doing when I had kids. I couldn't focus enough to read a book, so I just didn't.

I have read two books since I started out with my blog in May. Just fluffy, easy to read stuff, but they're books none the less. Something I can lose myself in and daydream about. And it's something for me, and only me. I also went on my holiday, which was something I hadn't even thought I would do, but it was so great! It was a wonderful way to rediscover myself a little bit.

I have been making a monumental effort to keep the house in a reasonable state. I have started doing Flylady - a system to help you get into a stay in routines which keep your house organised and tidy- again (here's a link 'Flylady' if you're curious!). WonderHubby had been putting in a lot of effort to help too, and we're doing pretty well. Since returning from my holiday, about 2 1/2wks ago now, the house has been tidy enough to have someone over, without me freaking out about the mess, or apologising profusely to my guests about the mess!

WonderHubby enrolled me into a uni course I have been saying I will enroll into for a long time.  I might be back at uni, via correspondence as of November. It will be great to get my brain working again.

Mum-wise and wife-wise, I think I'm doing ok. My kids are pretty happy. We do things almost every day together. We go to the park, to mothers group twice a week, playgroup once a week, play dates, dancing, preschool/daycare, library story time, bike riding at the oval....today we will go kite-flying. I could do more with them at home, and I am working on it, and forgetting the house work. It is all a really delicate balance of where I am happy with how the house looks and what the kids want.

As for the wifey stuff, WH and I try to eat dinner together, after the kids go to bed a few times a week. It is time we can really listen to each other and talk and have a laugh and just be us. Me and him. It's been a long time since we have just been *us*. We both miss it. So we're making an effort to do that together. We don't have family here to help with the kids and rarely get time out together, so we really only have time when the kids are sleeping, if WH isn't on a night shift!

I have also thought about what I want physically for myself. I SO do not want to be so fat any more. I am unfit, weak, inflexible and not enjoying being physical at all. I tried doing rolly-poly's (ie, a somersault) and a cart-wheel with Bear the other day. Whilst it was probably the funniest thing I have ever tried to do recently, and Bear thought it was absolutely freaking hilarious...It was also saddening to me that I couldn't even do a rolly-poly or cart wheel with her, because I AM so rolly poly!

So, I have done really well this past week to eat healthy foods, make the right choices, I have exercised a bit (not as much as I *should* have, but more than I normally would have). I am getting there again. Into that focused head-space, where losing weight and getting fit is no longer a huge personal struggle with myself on a daily basis. It is natural and organic, and I am not 'faking it til I make it' like I so often do to try to force myself to do what my head tells me I should be doing.

I have even been toying with the idea of going back to work casually. To work some of the days that WonderHubby is home. To keep up with the changes that are happening in my industry and to just enjoy what I am good at doing. I do love my job (The one I get paid for, not the one I do at home! Though, I mostly love that one too!), and I am good at it. It feels good to be good at things, and to feel successful, so working would give me that sense of achievement, which I don't get so much at home.

So I have come to the epiphany that if I am happier, then I am better at what I do. I am a better mum, wife and housewife if I am doing what I enjoy. If I am happy with how I look, then I am more confident. If I eat well and exercise, I have more energy for the things I have to do like the dreary old house work. If I feel challenged (through reading books/studying/working), then I have more capacity to do the mundane things which are unchallenging, like playing barbies, having the same conversations or building train tracks with the kids. If I have time out, I have more patience and more tolerance to be with my little people who love to touch me and hug me and be on me, and at me AAALLLLLL day.

So that saying really is true- Happy wife= happy life!

Weekends Suck!

For me, living out here in the sticks (outback NSW, in a small remote town of around 4200 people), weekends suck. I am usually home alone. WonderHubby very regularly works weekends from Thursday to Sunday. Night or day shifts, it matters not. Both are as horrible as each other, for different reasons. My friends are otherwise occupied with their own families, partners and/or children. There is nothing much open of a weekend here, not that there's much open during the week, because there's not much in this tiny town at the best of times! But weekends....you can almost hear the world turning it is so quiet around here.

Today I am bored brainless. I *could* be packing away the three baskets of washing calling my name. Or playing more games with the kids (after having made a train track with them- which they promptly destroyed once I left them to it, drawn and coloured with them, made a picnic for lunch and had a little tea party outside). We watched a movie we have seen a thousand times, and had pop corn and now I am all kiddied-out.

I will have to make dinner soon, which I am rather unmotivated to do, though luckily enough for the family, I have to do something for them, and it may as well be the vege lasagna I have planned. Though I seriously doubt they will eat it (the kids) or enjoy it (WonderHubby). I might even get bored enough to tackle that mountain of folded laundry. But meh...now I am going to wallow in my misery of lonely boredom. Daydream of days gone by, and the things I AM going to do when we move back to civilisation.

I do long for lovely leisurely days spent with friends having a BBQ and a few drinks, or going to the movies with the kids. Ooohhh, the beach...sand in the toes...sand castles with the kids, good fish and chips, ice creams while moseying along the water line. Maybe even the theatre or a museum. Ahhh, a girl can dream. Out here, there is none of that.

So this a great big up yours to weekends. I actually can say with some pretty serious conviction that for me, they suck big hairy balls. I am so not a country chick.

What weight loss?

I have lost my mojo....again. Since a few days before going away on my holiday (which, incidentally was AMAZING!) I have absolutely lost my weight-loss mojo. I am trying hard to get it back and I am going to fake it til I make it again. That is, I will count calories, and make myself exercise, despite my unwillingness to do so.

I had lost 4kg as of about 2 1/2 weeks ago. But I have gained some back. Around 1.6 (ish) kilos. I am really sick of the yoying. REALLY sick of it. I need to either get my fat arse into gear and lose it, or stop torturing myself and accept that I am fat. And I don't want to do the latter, so looks like I have will just HAVE to lose it.

I am trying lots of things to motivate myself. Reading people's blogs about their epic weight-losses, talking to and emailing/ SMS'ing/ Facebooking with like minded people in similar situations as me. I am writing motivational sayings on post it notes to put around the house. Reminders of what I should do to stay on the weight loss wagon. I think this needs to be all consuming for a while so it becomes ingrained and habitual. So I don't have to be reminded anymore. So I just do it.

JUST GET TO IT!!!!! So true. Not so easy.

Excitement!

I am going on holidays in a week. As in going away from my home. With a girlfriend, but without my family. The monkeys will be staying home with WonderHubby for the first time ever. This is the first time I have ever been anywhere on my own. Even pre-kids. Is that slightly pathetic being almost 34, and never having been anywhere on my own, lol?? I have to say I am getting a little bit excited.... OK, alot excited! 

We are going to a friends' wedding in North Queensland. I can't  wait to be somewhere that is warm again! I can't wait to do things *I* want to do, not what anyone else wants. I will be responsible for me and only me. I will get at least 4 nights of uninterrupted sleep. My goodness, I won't know what to do with myself! I might even be able to read a book! I might even get a little tipsy....It's been a while!

I haven't been able to think of these sorts of possibilities for nearly 6yrs! In a weird kind of way it is sort of making me nervous, maybe a little anxious. To actually just be ME again. For a little while, I won't be mum, or wife. I will be just me. And that is it. It's a little bit confronting. I have had those titles to hide behind for a long time now. 

I'm grumpy? It's because I haven't slept well, I'm a mum of three young children. Go out somewhere with you? Hold on, I have to see if the Hubby is ok with that. I'm late...so sorry, Buggity did a poo just as I was leaving the house! The sink overflowed? Maybe WonderHubby can fix it.

But for these next few days, I will be Me. Responsible for myself. My decisions will be wholly and solely based on myself. My thoughts will be mine. My body will be mine. I can do as I please, based on my own consciousness. Scary stuff for someone who has had to think of another for at least 5years. 15 or so if I include being married and having to include the Hubby in decisions!

Wow, I think I need to get out more....on my own!

Working on it

It has been a long few days since my friend, Lovely Lady (from this post http://kellieem.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/its-leaving-time.html ), left. I have struggled with the lonely times and she's only been gone for 4 days! I am missing her terribly. Everyone else is busy or away or working. I have been feeling like I did when we first arrived here. When I really did have no-one but the Hubby and the kids. Just really down and at a loss as to what to do.

I have come to realise, my focus for happiness is being with other adults now. My reason for 'happy' is other adults being in my life. In particular,  wonderHubby and my good friends. Especially if I'm alone with the kids. I feel stressed out and on edge. Waiting for the next demand, meltdown or tanty. But if I'm with other people, I'm better. A better mum for them. It's easier to deal with. 

It's kind of depressing knowing that my happiness depends so much on other people. It is only since I have had children I have felt like that though. My locus for happiness now, is extrinsic. Does that mean I am really unhappy with myself, because my happiness isn't intrinsic? If I am without my kids, I love to be alone. I like my own company. But for some reason if the kids are around, it's really tough to be alone with them. I struggle to happily meet their needs and constant demands. I easily get really bored of playing their games like play dough, Barbies, trains or drawing. I really hate going to the park on my own. The kids are bored if there are no other children to play with (I know, go figure!!). So they nag me, and really, it is just easier to stay home and have them nag me here, rather than in public where judgements might happen. 

Today we did painting. They loved it, and I even sat down and did a few masterpieces for 15mins or so. Then I had to go, all I had on my mind was what I have to do. I went to make some apple pancakes for morning tea and left them to it, I needed to do a thousand loads of washing, my kitchen needs tidying.....

But if I'm honest, I was bored brainless playing with them. I do it because they like me to, not because I actually really want to. I want to make them happy, so I do what I don't want to. I guess that's a lot of what it takes to be a mum. Sacrificing what you want and what you like for your kids. Though I think I have gone a little overboard and sacrificed too much of me. Which takes me back to having to have other people in my life to be happy.

So being without friends to be with, I am not being a great mum. I feel like a terrible failure because I can't cope well with my own children who, in reality are gorgeous, wonderful little people. My emotions are wild. I could cry at the drop of a hat (though I am holding that in rather well right now!) I have no one to vent to, commiserate with, have an adult conversation with, or just sit with and watch the kids play. No-one I can call to come over and fold washing with. I feel pathetic needing company so badly. But I do. I have a hole in my life I am struggling to fill. I know it will take time and new coping methods. But this feeling is horrendous. I haven't felt it in so long. I am working on getting over it....

Up and Down....

This last week or two has been really up and down. Emotionally  and  health-wise.  It has been a stressful and a bit of an anxious time, with some personal changes going on. I have been sick the past week. Nothing serious, just a bad cold, but I've been miserable none the less!

I weighed and measured myself this morning and I have lost over a kilo and 6cm over all this month. Eating has been ok, not wonderful, with serveral unnecssary treats in there. I gained over a kilo last week, so I have just lost that again. Yoyo-ing, already.

Exercise- still not doing enough or regularly, or to any kind of timetable or anything. ....hoping to get to the park with the kids today and I will walk/run around the park while they play. Or maybe just run around with them with a ball. My cold is going now, so I am properly focused again. The last few days have been hit and miss with food and no exercise! Go figure.....After a little meltdown and freak out last week at gaining over a kilo back, I have no idea what my body is doing.

I really felt like this week was an ok week. I felt like at least I should have stayed the same, not gained, and more than a kilo?! That kilo took me more than two weeks to lose!!! I think that is why it is so disheartening. I had worked so hard to get it all off, then BAM in a few days it's all back, and then some. I know alot of it is in my head, I have been trying to use the strategies I have to not 'eat my emotions', but still I couldn't resist the emotional eating crap. Will this end or am I doomed to do this to myself forever??

I was ready to give up again. After a pathetic SMS to a gorgeous friend, I managed to get my mind into gear again. A HUGE thank you to her for mustering some motivation in me. I just don't know where I'm going SO wrong. I know I haven't had a perfect week with eating, I didn't exercise all that much, but again, that's not really different than any other week. And seriously, a whole kilo??? It was actually 1.1kg. I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel like all I'm doing is depriving myself of things I enjoy for nothing. All I think about is food and what I * should/shouldn't* do. Everything is just such a struggle when it comes to food right now. It should just be food. Not everything else I seem to think it is!

Now I am back to tracking kilojoules and eating sensibly. Trying to exercise when I can. I will be making a roster thingy when I get WonderHubby's new work roster, so that I can get out kid free at least 1hr, 4 times a week. If that is all I do then it is a good weekly effort. Being kid free will be a motivator for me to actually do it.

It's been about 6 weeks since I started with trying to change myself. It's proving to be really tough, but I am trying very hard to persevere. I'm learning that my biggest hurdle is to stop my emotional eating. That is where I trip myself up the most. Lonely? A mars bar will help that. Tired? Have a bickie or 5! Kids are all at preschool and you have time to yourself? Go out for a hot chocolate and cake. Food is my rewards, my solace, my comfort. I need to change those things. I think when I manage to associate comfort and rewards with other things I will be onto a winner. I am still struggling with that!

Since May 18th, I have- 

Lost 3.5kg and 6cm over all.