Reality check

Not a good day today, actually the week hasn't been great for me with exercise. I started out so positive I would do better, and then got to the end and realised I was being stupid to think that! WonderHubby was on night shifts for 5 nights, Little Dude was sick with croup again and my little boy just didn't sleep well all week. I tried hard to resist bad foods, and did fairly well, until today, though I have eaten too much in general. I didn't exercise most days. Mostly because I was working with 4 or so hours of sleep each day. The tiredness is what kills me.

Plus I was looking at last years Chrissy photos of when we put up our tree, and the realisation dawned on me that I promised myself I wouldn't be that fat this year. But I am. I am actually fatter. Less fit and more over weight. In October/November last year, I was 88kg. This year I am 97. I am almost 10kg bigger than this time last year, despite 'trying' to lose weight all year. I clearly haven't been trying very hard.

I also have to make some things for WH work Chrissy party tomorrow, and whilst I am trying hard not to indulge in the whipped cream and cooking chocolate, I'm not doing so well. Bleugh. I want the day to end and to begin again tomorrow.

I weighed in this morning and I have lost 200g. Not a lot, I didn't expect a big loss though. At least it's going down and not up I guess. Look at the positives, and small steps right?

This week I will focus on

-not eating too much after dinner.

-EXERCISE!!! Even if I can't get an opportunity to walk, I need to find other things to do at home when I have the kids on my own.

That is it for this coming week. I think with Christmas looming and a trip to Sydney for us, it will be too stressful for me to be worrying too much about it all. I still aim to NOT put weight on, but I will also forgive myself for not losing a lot or for gaining a little.

It's the silly season!

I love Christmas. I love the festivities, I love giving gifts, I love getting gifts. I love making things and decorating. I love wrapping gifts and making or buying something special for someone special. I love the food and being with the people who are important in our lives. Most of all, now I am a mum, I love seeing Christmas through my kids eyes. I love being with my amazing little family through this time of year.

Bear Bear is beside herself now that the Christmas season is here. She has asked me countless times to put up the Chrissy tree. She loves to see the decorations going up around town and notices all of the new shop-front decorations. We will put the tree up all together, tomorrow. It's a week or so earlier than is tradition for me to do, but I can't help myself. I want to make the excitement she has last as long as I can!

Little Dude, I don't think is nearly so excited, but he feels the bubbling excitement from Bear and me and gets a bit of a glow on. But I think he may have the Bah Humbug bug that WonderHubby suffers with.

And of course, Buggity Boo, well...he's still a bit little to really get what Christmas is, this will only be his second one. But he has already been grooving to some Christmas carols with me and Bear, and he adores the tinsel at the shops!

WH is a bit cynical about Christmas. He sees the religious side of it, and since we aren't religious at all, he is a little bit reluctant to really celebrate. He tries to get in on the act because he knows I love it all. And, he does love to see the kids excited, just like me (really, which parent would be able to ignore a 5 1/2 year olds' over flowing excitement at singing Jingle Bells in her pre-school Christmas concert?!)

He also loves to give us (the kids and I) gifts. He finds it tough keeping them to himself until Christmas Day (or, as is tradition for us, Christmas Eve, we get to choose one gift from under the tree to open) which I adore about him. In that way, he gets just as excited as the kids do.

But in the sense of the religious celebrations and the consumerism which seems to often come with Christmas these days, I do see his point, to a point. I feel that we can celebrate it how ever we choose. It need not be religion or the gift buying/giving which is celebrated, but the family, the friends, the food and the life-gifts which we have been generously graced with.

I love the traditions which are forming for our family.  Putting up the Christmas tree together. Bear has taken to talking about the decorations we have which are meaningful; the things Little Dude or Bear have made, or the special ones which have been given to us as gifts. Getting to delight in one of our gifts on Christmas Eve, where it isn't a frenzy of kids screaming "SANTA CAME!!" and family or friends and paper, cards, wrapping, boxes and more paper! This year, I want to put up all of the crafty things they make at pre school and day care. I want to make some things together at home. I want the house to scream CHRISTMAS form the roof down to the carpet!

I can't wait to make treats for the kids to share at Pre School and day care, maybe some thing like these....And also some home made goodies for some other special little people in our lives, possibly some things like playdough or home made cards...I also want to make a Christmas advent calendar (which I will need to get organised if I want it for the beginning of December!), some thing very simple and easy for the kids to use... with some craft or cooking activities, or a little chocolate or gift inside each window.

Goodness, with all of those plans on making things...I think I need to get sorted! I adore Christmas time. I think I said that...But don't you?

Slowly does it.

I have lost 600g since I last blogged, yay!! A measly 600g some of you may say, but it is a step in the right direction for me. I am happy with that. Considering the only changes I made were to go walking 3 times last week (as Iin, specifically going for a walk for the sake of exercise), have plenty of water, and trying to eat better at breakfast time, I think 600g is pretty awesome.

That means I am down to 97.2kg. I will do my body measurements fortnightly, maybe even monthly, so no measurements were taken this week. I am also MAKING myself stay off the scales in between weekly weigh ins. Otherwise I get too hung up on those small weight gains I often experience through the week for what ever reasons!

I am trying to do this slowly, I figure if I aim to change a few small things at a time, then I will manage to keep the changes make them my lifestyle, rather than a huge effort all of the time, because I'm trying to do too much at once. Clearly trying to do it all was just too much, because although I really do want all of those things to change (my weight, my fitness, my eating, my lifestyle), and I do manage to do it for a while, I always fall down. I always hit a speed hump and can't pick myself up again. So a few things a week or every month is more achievable.

Last week I focused on drinking more water, eating a good breaky and wearing my pedometre (ie, doing the recommended 10000+ steps a day).

I am doing really well with drinking water.
I did ok with eating healthy breakfasts, though could do better, and need to do it every day!
I didn't do so well with wearing my pedometre, only wearing it 4 out of the last 8 days.

So this next week, I will aim to:

Eat a healthy, hearty breakfast every morning.
Wear my pedometre and do 10000 steps a day.
Eat more fruit and veggies every day (meet the 2 fruit serves and 5 vegetable servings a day)

More info on the two and five campaign and the 10000 steps theory here:

http://www.gofor2and5.com.au/

http://www.10000stepsaustralia.com/Walking-Articles/Why-10000-Steps-a-Day

Here's hoping for another 600g loss! I can do this!!!

Here again...

Still fat and still wanting to lose weight. I am now back to 97.8 kg. Back to the start, where I was back here in May when I began this blog. I think I am probably a bit heavier actually. *sigh*

And I still haven't changed anything else either. My house is still untidy and dis-organised  I am no better connected to, nor play more thoughtful games with my children or have any dates or time with WonderHubby. Is it enough that I at least *know* this? Even if none of it has changed since May. Is it enough that I try sporadically, when I have the mental energy, to change? Will there come a day when I find it will all actually stick, and I don't have to TRY so desperately to do it anymore, because it will have become a life, my life, as I want it?

Of course no one is to blame for any of it, but me. I guess it's good I know that. I also know no one can lose weight but me, nor help me lose weight if I am not ready, no one can make me change my ways, but me. But how do I become 'ready'?? What is 'ready'...where is 'ready'? There is so much I'd like to change it all gets a bit over-whelming.

I certainly feel like I'm am ready. I am certainly sick of being obese and hating myself so freaking much. But why am I still sitting here bored brainless, dreaming about going to the shop to get crappy unhealthy foods?

I could be a) tidying my house b) outside gardening (although it is a hot day, about 35 degrees today...) c) playing with my children (please no....no more lego or trains!!!) OR d) exercising with the wii fit or a DVD. There is 'stuff' I could be doing. But I choose to be bored and thinking about junk food. Just to torture myself right? Maybe I'm a sadist....

*** ETA: OK, so here's the deal, slowly I will change things, a few small things a week. This week I will change these three small things for myself....

1) I will eat a healthy breakfast (like boiled eggs with toast soldiers, bran flakes with yogurt and frozen berries, or plain old weetbix with banana).

2) I will drink lots of water (8+ glasses)

3) I will wear my pedometre every day for the week and walk 10,000 steps or more a day.

Getting off my butt to do something other than mope. And no, it won't be eat all the chocolate my body can handle!

Family

Today I became an Aunt again. To a, no doubt beautiful, bouncing baby boy. I wish I could meet him face to face. Unfortunately I am 900 km away, and I have no chance to get there until December. From both WonderHubby's side of the family and mine, I have 8 nephews and one niece.

Sadly for WH and our own little family, we live far away from all of them, from both of our families. Most of my family is about a 9 hour drive east. WH's family is about 16-20 hours drive north east from us. WH has been away from his family for a long time, since before we met, so it is not so different for him to not actually visit them and see them regularly. But for me, it is something different. I have lived close to my family my whole life. Until we moved out here, to the outback of NOWHERE!

I used to see my mum, brothers, sister in law, niece and nephew at least once a week. Usually several times a week. And whilst we have had our issues and it can be annoying and difficult to be around everyone all of the time, when they aren't just a 5 minute drive up the road, you really feel it.

I never got a lot of help with my kids from my family, though I could rely on my SIL or (if I was really desperate) my mum to look after my kids. I could always visit their house anytime and not have to be in mine aallll day by myself (with the kids of course!) like I sometimes am these days.

I also really miss my nanna. I blogged about her here a little while ago. It worries me that she may pass away whilst we're out here and I won't have gotten to see her all that much. Or I won't be able to get back to see her, if she gets seriously ill.

I do have issues with my family. I don't think there are many people who don't right?! But I miss them. Especially my niece and nephews. They have all grown into big people and I missed it. My kids are growing and their aunts and uncles and nan and pop and granma and granpa are missing the awesome little cherubs they're turning into. It makes me sad....but I guess that's life right?!

Looking after yourself

Sorry it's been a while since I have been around. I have been feeling a bit boring. Not much going on in life, all the same, mundane, groundhog day sort of stuff. Which got me to thinking.....

I have been thinking about how I look after myself. And I guess it's kind of become clear that I don't really. Not for the long term. Things like seeing a doctor, dentist, eating healthily, exercise. Things which I don't do with the regularity and dedication I should. If we could afford it right now, I would definitely go to the dentist (although I hate it with a passion!), the physio to have my poor back fixed and my core muscles strengthened properly (after 15 years as a child care teacher and then 3 pregnancies in 3 1/2 years, as well as gaining 35kg, I think I can safely say my back and core are kaput!). Unfortunately, finances don't allow for what many would see as being pretty basic, normal things.

Additionally, I would love to see a chiro, for the same reasons as seeing a physio. I would get a massage monthly (at least!) and a pedicure just for the love of them! I would like the luxury of a gym membership too, and to go to the hairdresser MUCH more often. I would likely do a lot more too, if we had the time and money, but we can't.

So, I want to try to focus on what I can change. Eat more healthily. Go walking. Both easy and free, the only cost is time, which I need to work out and make sure I make it an every day thing and that I do it, and don't feel guilty. My friends have started to go at night, which will be a good option for when WonderHubby is home, the kids are in bed and I can go guilt free! And I will go to the gym or pools if we have some spare money.

I will make appointments and go to the doctor and have those regular things done I should have done (like a pap smear, blood pressure and cholesterol checked etc...) Try to make a longer term plan to get the the other appointments I would like to get to. Save money and prioritise, rather than wait until I HAVE to go, like if I get a tooth ache, or can barely move with the pain in my back.

The other things....well, I do those things once or twice a year or so. Massages, pedicures, hairdressers. None of them necessary, but all of it makes me feel good. Good in myself, and about myself. It makes me feel more attractive. More worth it. It is a bit sad it takes these extrinsic things to help me feel like that, but c'est la vie! I do love a good pampering. I usually spend any birthday or Chrissy money I get on those luxuries. And well.... Christmas is coming up (WAY too quickly if you ask me!!) I may just have to indulge myself some time soon!

Escape

I would love to be able to escape everything right now. In particular, to take my beautiful husband somewhere and just be with him. He rocks my world, and I get so little real quality time with him. It would be really lovely to be able to go on a holiday somewhere together, even just for a night, or weekend.

He so deserves to be spoiled to within an inch of his life, and I wish I could give him the world. He is a wonderful man, amazing hubby, and fantastic father. I would love to rain upon him gifts and deeds which I know he would love.

We never had a honey moon, I would love to surprise him with something like that. A holiday, a VERY belated honey moon somewhere romantic, where we can enjoy just being each other, not mummy or daddy, not having to work, or do dishes, or be responsible in any way shape or form. To not have a little person trying to edge in on the action if we manage to get close enough to have a cuddle. Not have someone butting in with their own conversations, if we manage to get the opportunity to actually talk to each other.

I'm feeling overwhelmed a little with my 'stuff', though I don't feel I really have the right to feel that way, since I have such a wonderful life. I harp on to my children about being ungrateful when they whinge about inconsequential things, yet here I am whining about my blessed life. I am a hypocrite.

But how I feel is how I feel. Overwhelmed. Bored. Uninspired. Unenergetic. Maybe I really do need to see someone...'professional'. A therapist or something. It's probably been too long that I have been feeling like this. Even if it is on and off all the time, I don't think I should be feeling down so often, given there aren't any real triggers. Except the sleeplessness. Isolation of a remote town. Lack of support from family... Still, maybe it's time to book in with a doctor. Maybe....

The Black Dog

Depression. The Blues. Feeling low. Heaviness of heart. Despondent. In a Funk. Melancholy.....there are many names. Many synonyms. Many sufferers.

I have had depression, to some degree, since having children. Possibly a little before hand, but never so serious as I have had since having kids. Post Natal Depression, or PND, it is tagged as being, if you experience depression within about a year of having a child. Ante Natal Depression, or AND, if you have it whilst pregnant.

I have had both. To varying degrees, through-out the almost 6 years I have been a mum.

Diagnosed (By Dr. Captain Obvious), as most likely due to firstly, severe sleep deprivation (no shit Sherlock, 3-4 broken hours of sleep a night for months, years actually, makes you depressed???), and also little family/friend support (other than WonderHubby), and 3 needy, demanding children aged 3 years and under (at the time, now they are 5 1/2, 4 and 22 months old).

The past 6-ish months have been getting a lot better for me though. I have been sleeping much more. Getting out with people, making really great friends. So it has been hard these past few days, feeling so crappy again.

But today, I am feeling the familiar old feeling of that black dog nipping at my heels. I haven't felt it for a while now, and I have felt pretty good in comparison to the last few...well, years. But today, yesterday, probably the last week or so, I have felt pretty despondent. Uncaring. The kids are on me, at me 24/7.

Mum, mummy, mumma, ma, mum, mum, mumm, Mumma, mumumummmm,  MUMMY, MummumumumuM,MUMUMMMUUMMYYYY!!! I have been telling them to get off me, away, and out of my space. I feel the familiar old feelings of anxiousness creep in when they all sit on me, call me, whinge at me. Tightness in my chest, like there is a big bit of food stuck in my throat. Tension in my chest, neck and shoulders. I get to a point where I could almost literally push them all off me, out of my space. I don't want to deal with them. Their expectations of me. I hate seeing their expectant faces waiting for me to do *something* for them. Wanting me to be with them and do for them. I just feel like I can't do it today. But I have to.

Right now I am anxious. Tense, tight. I feel like I could vomit just thinking of how I am feeling about the most precious little people in the world to me. It brings me to tears. I hope I'm not fucking them up for life. I really, really do. I love them to pieces. But can't deal with them and their demands right now.

For anyone suffering with PND, AND or a depressive or mental illness, or if you want more info, here are some links for you:

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=94

http://www.panda.org.au/

4 months down the track....

...and I still, haven't had any significant weight loss. I don't get how it can be in the fore front of my mind, day in and day out, and yet, still here I am 30kg over weight. I know how to do it. I know what to eat, that I need to exercise, my triggers for eating bad foods, making bad choices...yet, I am still here fat, uncomfortable and unhappy with myself. Bleugh. It is a terrible feeling. You'd think that might be enough to change wouldn't you?

To say it fucking sucks is an understatement. To say I am totally disappointed in myself, is an understatement. To say I am disgusted I have let myself get here...that my friends is true. To say it is all my own fault, again true. I know it, why the hell can't I change it?? This shit is such a fucking mind game for me. The science of it is all so simple. Energy in, energy out. Get the right mix and you lose weight. Eat healthy foods and you lose weight. Exercise moderately and YOU LOSE WEIGHT!!!!! Simple as that. Right....

Starting again tomorrow. I have to be stronger willed. I.HAVE.TO.BE!!!!! I HAVE to exercise. When I think I will do something like go out and do some skipping or intervals or circuit, I need to DO IT. When I think I should pack a healthy lunch rather than eat it when I get home, I should DO IT!

So this week coming, I will:

Eat 2 serves of fruit, 5 serves of veggies
Have a healthy breaky
Eat less sugar (IE, none added to tea/coffee etc)
Try to have no refined/packaged foods like muesli bars
Exercise moderately for 45mins a day, 5/7days (ie, until I'm sweaty!)

Hopefully this might work this time. Try try try again, right? Has to stick sooner or later. Hopefully sonner rather than later.

I'm a lucky ducky

I have been thinking about all that I have to appreciate in life. And I am one ginormously lucky chick-a-dee.

I am healthy (well... relatively so!)
I have three gorgeous, healthy, happy children.
I have a wonderful, funny, supportive and loyal hubby.
I have amazing friends.
I have a home, more than enough food and money, clothes......
I live in a beautiful place that is fair and just (most of the time) and not war-torn or in any kind of upheaval.

So as I sit here today and contemplate the mountain of washing I need to wash and fold, what food I should make for dinner, whist I deal with my children whining and whinging about stupid and irrelevant things, as I walk safely down the street with my three children, I will be grateful.

I am lucky. I have more than I could ever need. I have more than most people. I will enjoy my day because I don't have any real problems right now. I have enough. Of everything. And then some.

In it for the long haul

Well, here we are, in September (my goodness, how did that happen??!!). And I am still fat. Still in pretty much the same boat I was in 4 months ago. I am still 3kg down from then, which I suppose is a good thing. But I am totally not where I want to be with my weight loss. I had imagined then, that I would be at least 10kg lighter by now. I am not.

I have been pretty sick for a week, and the kids were very sick for a week too. But we are all well again, so I can't use that as my excuse any more. I have lacked dedication and focus. I have no one else to blame but me. I am going to keep on trying. I really do need to become healthier. Not many of my habits have changed in those four months.

I went out over the weekend, and besides from not having any nice clothes to wear (partially because I refuse to buy any bigger clothes, partially because the clothes choices for fat chicks are just horrendous, partially because I am so uncomfortable with myself), I felt so horrible in my skin. It was hard to really enjoy myself, when all I was thinking about was how disgusting I looked. I was with people I am not 100% comfortable with. I know them well enough, and they are all lovely people. But they're not close like my good friends, those whom I know I'm ok to be myself around, and I am sure they're not judging me. And I can't help feeling a little....judged, I guess, by these people I was with. No one really ways anything about me, but other things they say, have said... well, I just wasn't totally comfy!

I need to use those feelings as ammunition, that irrational feeling of being inadequate. That feeling of being totally out of my league and comfort zone. That feeling of not being able to sit still and pulling at my clothes because I feel so self conscious. The feeling of not being the whole me around certain people.

So right now, I am going to go and do some exercise. The kids are home and WonderHubby isn't. He's working for the first time in two weeks, after some holidays. Our friends are all busy today too, being a Sunday, and Fathers Day, they are all busy with their families. So, today has the potential to be a bad day, with me still in daddy-is-home-to-help-me mode, and I-have-no-friends-to-play-with mode. The kids can probably feel my anxiety and frustration, but I won't use that as an excuse. I would normally. The lazy and easy way out. I will go and exercise and the kids can join in or fight each other to the death whilst I do it. But it will get done!

On my day

To my wonderful friends and husband and children.

I have to be the luckiest girl alive. Yesterday you all made me feel like a princess for a day and it was special. You made cards and cake and ice cream. I got candle light, bubbles, wine and laughter. You all gave me hugs and kisses and beautiful words and love. These things in themselves were gifts enough to make me thankful. But I was also lucky enough that I also got presents of the unwrapping variety. Thoughtful and meaningful things. Thing which tell me you all know me well and have put a lot of effort into thinking of me. You have no idea what it all means to me to feel so special. Thank you.

This has got to be my best birthday yet. I love you all.

Me: Re-visited

I had been struggling with things a weeks or so ago. By 'things' I mean my internal voices. My own consciousness which tells me what I want and what I am aiming for with my life. At the moment, with being a stay at home mum, a lot of my life is about my family. My kids and husband. What I should do for them, what they want, what I can do to help them be happy.

Though recently I had realised, that I wasn't doing anything of what *I* wanted. Almost at all. Nothing of my life was for me. Which was why I started this blog- to help me focus a little bit on that. A little bit of myself. Bring what I enjoy doing, entirely for myself back into being! It was also doing what I want to do, listening to those little voices, which tell me to keep the house cleaner, to cook and feed my family better food, to be a more attentive wife and mother.

I did lose focus again, for a little bit. Then I re-read my first few blogs. I remembered how I felt then. Quite lost and at a loss. So I refocused on what I really do want. Some of it was about becoming a better wife and mum, but I think mostly I need to become a version of me that suits my situation right now. A stay-at-home mum to three young children. Wife to WonderHubby. A full time house wife. Personally I am overweight, unfit and unfocused. A little mentally unchallenged. Right now, that is my life.

Since starting to write my 'stuff' down, I have been more focused. I have been doing better and being just me, not mum, not wife, not housekeeper. Though I am all of those things, I am also finding out who *I* am too again. I am a different me to who I was when I wasn't a mum. But I also am that same person, just kind of upgraded a bit. I have read a few books recently, which was something I loved to do pre-kids, but gave up doing when I had kids. I couldn't focus enough to read a book, so I just didn't.

I have read two books since I started out with my blog in May. Just fluffy, easy to read stuff, but they're books none the less. Something I can lose myself in and daydream about. And it's something for me, and only me. I also went on my holiday, which was something I hadn't even thought I would do, but it was so great! It was a wonderful way to rediscover myself a little bit.

I have been making a monumental effort to keep the house in a reasonable state. I have started doing Flylady - a system to help you get into a stay in routines which keep your house organised and tidy- again (here's a link 'Flylady' if you're curious!). WonderHubby had been putting in a lot of effort to help too, and we're doing pretty well. Since returning from my holiday, about 2 1/2wks ago now, the house has been tidy enough to have someone over, without me freaking out about the mess, or apologising profusely to my guests about the mess!

WonderHubby enrolled me into a uni course I have been saying I will enroll into for a long time.  I might be back at uni, via correspondence as of November. It will be great to get my brain working again.

Mum-wise and wife-wise, I think I'm doing ok. My kids are pretty happy. We do things almost every day together. We go to the park, to mothers group twice a week, playgroup once a week, play dates, dancing, preschool/daycare, library story time, bike riding at the oval....today we will go kite-flying. I could do more with them at home, and I am working on it, and forgetting the house work. It is all a really delicate balance of where I am happy with how the house looks and what the kids want.

As for the wifey stuff, WH and I try to eat dinner together, after the kids go to bed a few times a week. It is time we can really listen to each other and talk and have a laugh and just be us. Me and him. It's been a long time since we have just been *us*. We both miss it. So we're making an effort to do that together. We don't have family here to help with the kids and rarely get time out together, so we really only have time when the kids are sleeping, if WH isn't on a night shift!

I have also thought about what I want physically for myself. I SO do not want to be so fat any more. I am unfit, weak, inflexible and not enjoying being physical at all. I tried doing rolly-poly's (ie, a somersault) and a cart-wheel with Bear the other day. Whilst it was probably the funniest thing I have ever tried to do recently, and Bear thought it was absolutely freaking hilarious...It was also saddening to me that I couldn't even do a rolly-poly or cart wheel with her, because I AM so rolly poly!

So, I have done really well this past week to eat healthy foods, make the right choices, I have exercised a bit (not as much as I *should* have, but more than I normally would have). I am getting there again. Into that focused head-space, where losing weight and getting fit is no longer a huge personal struggle with myself on a daily basis. It is natural and organic, and I am not 'faking it til I make it' like I so often do to try to force myself to do what my head tells me I should be doing.

I have even been toying with the idea of going back to work casually. To work some of the days that WonderHubby is home. To keep up with the changes that are happening in my industry and to just enjoy what I am good at doing. I do love my job (The one I get paid for, not the one I do at home! Though, I mostly love that one too!), and I am good at it. It feels good to be good at things, and to feel successful, so working would give me that sense of achievement, which I don't get so much at home.

So I have come to the epiphany that if I am happier, then I am better at what I do. I am a better mum, wife and housewife if I am doing what I enjoy. If I am happy with how I look, then I am more confident. If I eat well and exercise, I have more energy for the things I have to do like the dreary old house work. If I feel challenged (through reading books/studying/working), then I have more capacity to do the mundane things which are unchallenging, like playing barbies, having the same conversations or building train tracks with the kids. If I have time out, I have more patience and more tolerance to be with my little people who love to touch me and hug me and be on me, and at me AAALLLLLL day.

So that saying really is true- Happy wife= happy life!

Weekends Suck!

For me, living out here in the sticks (outback NSW, in a small remote town of around 4200 people), weekends suck. I am usually home alone. WonderHubby very regularly works weekends from Thursday to Sunday. Night or day shifts, it matters not. Both are as horrible as each other, for different reasons. My friends are otherwise occupied with their own families, partners and/or children. There is nothing much open of a weekend here, not that there's much open during the week, because there's not much in this tiny town at the best of times! But weekends....you can almost hear the world turning it is so quiet around here.

Today I am bored brainless. I *could* be packing away the three baskets of washing calling my name. Or playing more games with the kids (after having made a train track with them- which they promptly destroyed once I left them to it, drawn and coloured with them, made a picnic for lunch and had a little tea party outside). We watched a movie we have seen a thousand times, and had pop corn and now I am all kiddied-out.

I will have to make dinner soon, which I am rather unmotivated to do, though luckily enough for the family, I have to do something for them, and it may as well be the vege lasagna I have planned. Though I seriously doubt they will eat it (the kids) or enjoy it (WonderHubby). I might even get bored enough to tackle that mountain of folded laundry. But meh...now I am going to wallow in my misery of lonely boredom. Daydream of days gone by, and the things I AM going to do when we move back to civilisation.

I do long for lovely leisurely days spent with friends having a BBQ and a few drinks, or going to the movies with the kids. Ooohhh, the beach...sand in the toes...sand castles with the kids, good fish and chips, ice creams while moseying along the water line. Maybe even the theatre or a museum. Ahhh, a girl can dream. Out here, there is none of that.

So this a great big up yours to weekends. I actually can say with some pretty serious conviction that for me, they suck big hairy balls. I am so not a country chick.

What weight loss?

I have lost my mojo....again. Since a few days before going away on my holiday (which, incidentally was AMAZING!) I have absolutely lost my weight-loss mojo. I am trying hard to get it back and I am going to fake it til I make it again. That is, I will count calories, and make myself exercise, despite my unwillingness to do so.

I had lost 4kg as of about 2 1/2 weeks ago. But I have gained some back. Around 1.6 (ish) kilos. I am really sick of the yoying. REALLY sick of it. I need to either get my fat arse into gear and lose it, or stop torturing myself and accept that I am fat. And I don't want to do the latter, so looks like I have will just HAVE to lose it.

I am trying lots of things to motivate myself. Reading people's blogs about their epic weight-losses, talking to and emailing/ SMS'ing/ Facebooking with like minded people in similar situations as me. I am writing motivational sayings on post it notes to put around the house. Reminders of what I should do to stay on the weight loss wagon. I think this needs to be all consuming for a while so it becomes ingrained and habitual. So I don't have to be reminded anymore. So I just do it.

JUST GET TO IT!!!!! So true. Not so easy.

Excitement!

I am going on holidays in a week. As in going away from my home. With a girlfriend, but without my family. The monkeys will be staying home with WonderHubby for the first time ever. This is the first time I have ever been anywhere on my own. Even pre-kids. Is that slightly pathetic being almost 34, and never having been anywhere on my own, lol?? I have to say I am getting a little bit excited.... OK, alot excited! 

We are going to a friends' wedding in North Queensland. I can't  wait to be somewhere that is warm again! I can't wait to do things *I* want to do, not what anyone else wants. I will be responsible for me and only me. I will get at least 4 nights of uninterrupted sleep. My goodness, I won't know what to do with myself! I might even be able to read a book! I might even get a little tipsy....It's been a while!

I haven't been able to think of these sorts of possibilities for nearly 6yrs! In a weird kind of way it is sort of making me nervous, maybe a little anxious. To actually just be ME again. For a little while, I won't be mum, or wife. I will be just me. And that is it. It's a little bit confronting. I have had those titles to hide behind for a long time now. 

I'm grumpy? It's because I haven't slept well, I'm a mum of three young children. Go out somewhere with you? Hold on, I have to see if the Hubby is ok with that. I'm late...so sorry, Buggity did a poo just as I was leaving the house! The sink overflowed? Maybe WonderHubby can fix it.

But for these next few days, I will be Me. Responsible for myself. My decisions will be wholly and solely based on myself. My thoughts will be mine. My body will be mine. I can do as I please, based on my own consciousness. Scary stuff for someone who has had to think of another for at least 5years. 15 or so if I include being married and having to include the Hubby in decisions!

Wow, I think I need to get out more....on my own!

Working on it

It has been a long few days since my friend, Lovely Lady (from this post http://kellieem.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/its-leaving-time.html ), left. I have struggled with the lonely times and she's only been gone for 4 days! I am missing her terribly. Everyone else is busy or away or working. I have been feeling like I did when we first arrived here. When I really did have no-one but the Hubby and the kids. Just really down and at a loss as to what to do.

I have come to realise, my focus for happiness is being with other adults now. My reason for 'happy' is other adults being in my life. In particular,  wonderHubby and my good friends. Especially if I'm alone with the kids. I feel stressed out and on edge. Waiting for the next demand, meltdown or tanty. But if I'm with other people, I'm better. A better mum for them. It's easier to deal with. 

It's kind of depressing knowing that my happiness depends so much on other people. It is only since I have had children I have felt like that though. My locus for happiness now, is extrinsic. Does that mean I am really unhappy with myself, because my happiness isn't intrinsic? If I am without my kids, I love to be alone. I like my own company. But for some reason if the kids are around, it's really tough to be alone with them. I struggle to happily meet their needs and constant demands. I easily get really bored of playing their games like play dough, Barbies, trains or drawing. I really hate going to the park on my own. The kids are bored if there are no other children to play with (I know, go figure!!). So they nag me, and really, it is just easier to stay home and have them nag me here, rather than in public where judgements might happen. 

Today we did painting. They loved it, and I even sat down and did a few masterpieces for 15mins or so. Then I had to go, all I had on my mind was what I have to do. I went to make some apple pancakes for morning tea and left them to it, I needed to do a thousand loads of washing, my kitchen needs tidying.....

But if I'm honest, I was bored brainless playing with them. I do it because they like me to, not because I actually really want to. I want to make them happy, so I do what I don't want to. I guess that's a lot of what it takes to be a mum. Sacrificing what you want and what you like for your kids. Though I think I have gone a little overboard and sacrificed too much of me. Which takes me back to having to have other people in my life to be happy.

So being without friends to be with, I am not being a great mum. I feel like a terrible failure because I can't cope well with my own children who, in reality are gorgeous, wonderful little people. My emotions are wild. I could cry at the drop of a hat (though I am holding that in rather well right now!) I have no one to vent to, commiserate with, have an adult conversation with, or just sit with and watch the kids play. No-one I can call to come over and fold washing with. I feel pathetic needing company so badly. But I do. I have a hole in my life I am struggling to fill. I know it will take time and new coping methods. But this feeling is horrendous. I haven't felt it in so long. I am working on getting over it....

Up and Down....

This last week or two has been really up and down. Emotionally  and  health-wise.  It has been a stressful and a bit of an anxious time, with some personal changes going on. I have been sick the past week. Nothing serious, just a bad cold, but I've been miserable none the less!

I weighed and measured myself this morning and I have lost over a kilo and 6cm over all this month. Eating has been ok, not wonderful, with serveral unnecssary treats in there. I gained over a kilo last week, so I have just lost that again. Yoyo-ing, already.

Exercise- still not doing enough or regularly, or to any kind of timetable or anything. ....hoping to get to the park with the kids today and I will walk/run around the park while they play. Or maybe just run around with them with a ball. My cold is going now, so I am properly focused again. The last few days have been hit and miss with food and no exercise! Go figure.....After a little meltdown and freak out last week at gaining over a kilo back, I have no idea what my body is doing.

I really felt like this week was an ok week. I felt like at least I should have stayed the same, not gained, and more than a kilo?! That kilo took me more than two weeks to lose!!! I think that is why it is so disheartening. I had worked so hard to get it all off, then BAM in a few days it's all back, and then some. I know alot of it is in my head, I have been trying to use the strategies I have to not 'eat my emotions', but still I couldn't resist the emotional eating crap. Will this end or am I doomed to do this to myself forever??

I was ready to give up again. After a pathetic SMS to a gorgeous friend, I managed to get my mind into gear again. A HUGE thank you to her for mustering some motivation in me. I just don't know where I'm going SO wrong. I know I haven't had a perfect week with eating, I didn't exercise all that much, but again, that's not really different than any other week. And seriously, a whole kilo??? It was actually 1.1kg. I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel like all I'm doing is depriving myself of things I enjoy for nothing. All I think about is food and what I * should/shouldn't* do. Everything is just such a struggle when it comes to food right now. It should just be food. Not everything else I seem to think it is!

Now I am back to tracking kilojoules and eating sensibly. Trying to exercise when I can. I will be making a roster thingy when I get WonderHubby's new work roster, so that I can get out kid free at least 1hr, 4 times a week. If that is all I do then it is a good weekly effort. Being kid free will be a motivator for me to actually do it.

It's been about 6 weeks since I started with trying to change myself. It's proving to be really tough, but I am trying very hard to persevere. I'm learning that my biggest hurdle is to stop my emotional eating. That is where I trip myself up the most. Lonely? A mars bar will help that. Tired? Have a bickie or 5! Kids are all at preschool and you have time to yourself? Go out for a hot chocolate and cake. Food is my rewards, my solace, my comfort. I need to change those things. I think when I manage to associate comfort and rewards with other things I will be onto a winner. I am still struggling with that!

Since May 18th, I have- 

Lost 3.5kg and 6cm over all.

It's leaving time

One of my gorgeous friends from this post, http://kellieem.blogspot.com.au/2012/05/my-friends.html, is leaving. I knew the day would come one day, but I was trying to ignore the fact it would happen. She is one of the best friends I have had for a very long time. We see each other nearly daily, and have done so for at least 6months. She is someone I am totally comfortable with. I know there is no judgement. I know there is always honesty. Always an ear to talk off and a shoulder to lean on. She is welcome in my home anytime. Even when it's a horrid mess, which is a huge deal for me. I hate the thought of judgement due to appearances, so if someone comes over my house is usually at least tidy, with the mess hidden away! But with her (and 2 other special friends), I couldn't care less. My house is a sty? Come for coffee, I need to see you!

Bear, Little Dude and her Little Miss are all around the same ages. They adore each other, so much so, my kids ask me if we're going to see Little Miss EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. It will be tough for them to understand why they can't see each other anymore. It's going to be really hard for me to say goodbye. It has made me think of other people and things I have had to say goodbye to. And I am pretty terrible at it. I am really bad at letting go. 

We have one more week to see each other, to actually be in each others company. And then it will be a long distance friendship, with no real time frame for when we might be able to see each other again. This day and age makes long distance friendships and relationships easier with e-mail and skype and mobile phones, but still it's not the same. 

I anticipate a terrible day for me, the start of a tough ride. On the day that they leave here. Living in a mining town, and many families being 'mining families', other people here are probably used to farewells. But I had lived in Sydney my whole life. The same suburb, I went to the same school, saw the same people, I had the same friends and people in my life. All the time. I haven't ever really had to say goodbye. Until we came here. I have seen a few families leave that we know leave. People who we were acquaintances with, but no one I was close with, it wasn't hard to give a wave and say good luck with everything. So this will be tough. A pretty big personal challenge. I think I will be a sobbing mess. 

So Lovely Lady, I know you will read this. Be forewarned. I will be a sobbing mess. Try to ignore me. I will get through it eventually. You're just moving towns, a long way away, granted, but you're not leaving my life. We will visit each other one day, and call, and maybe even write if we get the time. But you and your girl rock my world. So I need to mourn not seeing you often enough. Ok?

I am smaller!

In my first post, I said that when I posted next, I would be smaller, lighter, there would be less chubba-lub. And there has been. I just had the light bulb moment where I realised that for almost 6 weeks, I have been losing weight. I am getting healthier. It is a slow journey, but that is supposed to be better for you.
I have lost another 400g. ALMOST broken through that 94kg barrier, just a measly 100g to go!! I haven't measured myself this week. I will do it fortnightly to get more accurate results.

The Hubby and I have gone sugar free this week. I had a horrible day the first day, with a huge headache and terrible mood swings, but since then it seems to be all down hill for me. I must admit I am missing sugar in my coffee, but the rest of it has been fairly easy really. I have had the odd craving for chocolate, particularly my hot chocolates of a night, though it hasn't been the sort of irresistible, unmanageable urges I thought I would get. I have replaced the hot drinks with others- with either warm milk, a green tea, or simply warm water. All I really need on a cold night, is that warmth going through me, it's not necessarily the taste that I need.

I still really need to work on prioritising exercise. This morning I went for a walk/run. But it is the first real exercise I have done all week. I have been using the Hubby being at work alot this week as my excuse. As well as being tired from not sleeping alot. But I need to ignore it all. Because it will all be there if I exercise or not. But if I exercise and lose weight, get healthier and fitter, it might all be easier to deal with. And even if it's not, I will be fitter and healthier. That in itself is the bonus!

The weight loss story continued....

So, my weight loss efforts have been pretty piss poor, until the last few days. Over the weekend, I had a huge blowout, food wise. Luckily enough for me, I haven't gained any of the weight I had lost, but also haven't lost any more after having a pretty good week before hand! I need to up the ante on the exercise front, as well as being more mindful and careful of what I'm eating.

I have done a fair amount of comfort eating, instead of focusing on eating for hunger. The Hubby has just had 4 night shifts, half a day off and 4 day shifts, which kills both of us, because we're both so tired and grizzly at each other. Little Dude and Buggity Boo are sick, and have been for about 6 weeks on and off. We just can't seem to shake their illnesses. That means several very sleepless nights for me, and it's usually on  WonderHubby's night shifts, so I have to cope on my own with them. Which stresses me out, and makes me anxious at the thought of nights shifts at home alone with sick children. And that in turn, causes me to comfort/stress/boredom eat. Bleugh. I wish I dealt with stuff with something else, instead of food!

I have eaten well and feel pretty good, right now. In the zone. I would love to go out and for a walk/run, but I have the three kids home, and no one else to look after them. When Hubby works, generally I can't go out of the house to exercise. I can do some wii-fit exercise, which does get the heart rate up, but I don't particularly enjoy it. So I procrastinate, and put it off all day. Today I did run around with the ball with the kids at the park. And I walked about 30mins all up through the day, from here to there and around the place, though that is with an almost-4-year-old in tow. And he is slow. Painfully slow at times! I have lots of excuses and 'reasons' to get past. I still need to JUST DO IT!!!!!

All up at the end of this week, I have lost no weight, but 2cm overall. Go figure. Since I have barely exercised at all, I probably just measured differently to last fortnight....

As of last night, 11th June, I am 94.4kg, 3.6kg weight loss and a 2cm loss from my measurements.

My Nan

*Warning post is about dying and death

She's an awesome old duck. She absolutely rocks my world. We share a birthday, she and I. Generations apart, but the same date. The 27th August. I think we share more than that. We share a special bond. She's a special lady. She holds a piece of my heart no one else could. When I think of her, I am filled with smiles and happiness and all of those lovely warm, fuzzy feelings. She is almost 95 years old, though doesn't seem a day past 75, lol! If I can be half the person she is, then I would be a pretty cool lady. I want to grow up to be just like my Nanna one day.

Sadly, right now, Nan is pretty sick. She had a heart attack a few days ago and is in the high dependency ward in hospital. I am filled with dread and utter sadness when I think of her passing away. I have had several bouts of tears thinking about it. The Hubby had a humourless little laugh at me, because I was crying and she's not even gone. I can laugh at it too, because she has lived a huge life. I realise she will not be long for this earth, at 94 years of age. 

She has 4 children (though only 3 living), a pack of grandchildren and even more great grand children. She has done a lot in her life and has lived well. I don't think dying, for her, would be something dreaded or feared. I think she knows her time is coming soon. She believes in the afterlife and she would take solace in the thought she was going to be with my grandfather who passed away many years ago now (about 25 years ago now), and my Uncle who sadly passed away as a fairly young man. As well as being with many of her friends and siblings who have passed on too. She has seen many loved one pass away. 

She is an amazing lady. She always knows what to say. She is eloquent and has a wisdom only time, a busy life and tragedy can bring. She is strong and independent. She tells amazing stories of her life and I love to listen to her. She writes impressively well, too. I love to receive her hand written letters, even now, at her age, she has beautiful handwriting. She has heaps and heaps of old photos and knows all of the old stories behind them. When I see her I hug her and hold her, and take a big deep breath, because her smell conjures so many wonderful memories. I don't think I have a bad one to tell you about her. 

The thought of her not being here is a heartwrenching one to me. Even if she weren't sick right now, I think I would cry at the thought of her leaving this world. When she does go, there will be a huge hole left by her. In so, so many people's lives. The thought of her passing right now, with the last time I saw her having been about 8 weeks ago is horrible. I want to up and go to her now. But we live 900 km's away from her. I have 3 small children, who have their little lives here. The Hubby couldn't get time off work. I have commitments here. It's expensive to get there and we don't have the spare money. The car has bald tyres and we can't get them replaced just yet. My reasons are many. It's just not doable right now. 

So universe, you'd better be listening. Don't take her just yet. Please. I need to see her again. Smell her familiar smell, and feel her silky skin. See her comforting smile, and hear her calm and soothing voice. She still has work to do, my Nan. I know it.


*** 18/6/12: I must add, for anyone interested, my beautiful Nan is now home, and has recovered well. It ended up not being a heart attack as first thought, but rather something wrong with her lungs which caused her heart to play up too. Thankfully there will be no lasting effects of this and Nan should be up to her usual shenanigans in no time!

Blessed

WonderHubby and I have been amazingly blessed. We have three beautiful healthy and happy children. I have been on a huge learning curve since becoming a mother, as has Hubby since becoming 'Dad' (a.k.a. Da or Diddy in our house).

Our kids are awesome little people. They surprise me, humor me, anger me and frustrate me no end. It is such a roller coaster of emotions with them everyday. But at the end of the day, I usually kiss them, love them, tell them how amazingly proud I am of them, how awesome they are and I absolutely appreciate them for the beautiful people they are becoming.

Our big girl, Bear is 5 years and 2 months old. She is a beautiful looking child, as well as being beautiful inside too. She has amazing big blue eyes, straight brown hair and pale peaches and cream skin. She is going to be a heart breaker and a ball breaker, lol! She is very intelligent and curious. She loves to learn and will know something if you tell her or show her once, she remembers things I said 3 years ago, literally. She is great at figuring conundrums out by herself. Often serious and very mature for her age, she is a leader and is competitive. She enjoys lots of different types of humour, but often finds the most simple things funny. She is articulate and loves to talk. Some days she talks so much to me that I think my ears will bleed! I am often playing the 'who can be the quietest game' with her, trying to keep her from talking my ears off! She adores being a big sister and looks after her little brothers and loves to help me. She is a girly girl, and loves feminine things, but is also strong and very physical, always jumping running dancing and climbing. She has a quirky sense of style and has been dressing herself since she was about 2. She is eager to please and dislikes any kind of criticism. She knows how to make her brothers do things for her and can be very clever and manipulative! She is creative and loves music, dancing, drawing, painting and anything crafty.

Mr-in-the-middle, Little Dude, is 3 years and 9months old. My Little Dude is lovely. He has big long-eye-lashed blue eyes that make me melt. He has an infectious laugh and smile. And a little bit of a lisp, that I love listening to. He is my over-emotional affecionado. He loves to cuddle. He is thoughtful and considerate. Loving and so totally lovable. He learns from being hands on, and I suspect when he goes to school he will quickly be labelled 'the class clown'. He loves to be silly and make people laugh. He is definitely not serious and laughs at  the most inopportune moments. He likes to please people, though only on his terms. If there is something he doesn't want to do, then he digs his heels in and is stubborn and impossible to reason with. Though his sister has him totally figured out and often has him running around to do things for her. He loves to get dirty and play outdoors, especially in mud or sand. He loves traditional 'boys' things like trucks, trains and rough housing, but he will also dress up as a fairy and prance about with his sister (I suspect this is mostly because it makes her happy!). He has told me many times he wants to be a daddy just like his daddy, and I think he'd make an amazing daddy in (hopefully MANY!) years to come. He is genuine and loyal and a deep thinker. He frustrates the absolute crap out of me at times (though that's my issue, not his) and he hates to think he's let anyone down, he will often burst out crying if he thinks he's really hurt someone.

Then there's #3, Buggity Boo. He is  17months old. He has charisma up the wazoo. I am often told that he is an old soul. And boy, sometimes I really do think he must be. He seems to instinctively know when someone needs loving. He knows who will love him back. He often approaches strangers and gives them big full on hugs. We were waiting in a doctors surgery one day and he gave an old lady a huge full body snuggle. He left her with a tear rolling down her cheek. He just *knows*. He is affectionate and loving. He is clever and is learning at a rate of knots. He is so curious and he has to be a part of everything, and comes running if he hears voices or strange noises! He is active, spirited and adventurous and gets into absolutely everything, making twice as much mess for me to tidy, and driving me bananas. I have often found him joyfully dancing on the dining table to a tv jingle. He is a crafty little thinker and is always on his toes. He knows when his best opportunities to create havoc are, and will go about his business stealthily! Although, it is so hard to get cranky at him, when he looks at me with his big baby blues and huge dimply smile. He is charming and a bit of a clown like his big brother.  He is an absolute joy and brings light and laughter wherever he goes.

Then there's my WonderHubby. He is awesome, truly a wonder hubby. My soft place to fall, my rock, my pillar, my Mr. Dependable. He forgives me my short-comings and loves me for me. Because I'm me. I love him to the moon and back and would be totally lost without him. He is loyal and genuine and his emotions run deep, but he won't let you know it, just like our Little Dude. He is intelligent and rational. He's an antagonist and likes a good argument. Unfortunately for him, I don't. I hate arguing, even if it's for 'fun'. He is affable and cheerful and is all about having fun. He can turn almost any bad situation into something positive. He is definitely a glass-half-full kind of person, as opposed to my at times, it's-all-too-hard, easily overwhelmed, glass-half-empty disposition. He can also just get on with it most of the time, again unlike me, who gets caught up in the details and the emotions of things. He can come across as a bit full on and arrogant when you first meet him, but that is just him, he's not arrogant. Besides, he doesn't really worry what anyone but those he really love thinks. One of the attributes I love about him, maybe even envy a bit. He can filter out other peoples' crap. He is an amazing father and if my children grow up to be half the person, parent, friend, and partner he is, I will be terribly proud of them. He is my wonderful WonderHubby and I love him to pieces.

So, there is an insight to my amazing family. I am one lucky lady. I know it, I work hard to maintain it and try to remember it all the time, and to be gracious about it and grateful for it all. It's not a picnic in the park, it's not all roses all of the time. But it's my life, and it's one hell of an amazing and tantalising ride!!

Trying to fight the fight

I am trying with all of my being to fight the cravings I am having for food I don't need and isn't healthy. Tonight WonderHubby is on a night shift. Which is usually when I cave and eat myself silly. I am really struggling with not eating the bad food in the house, or even just not eating more. Trying to sort through the emotions, rationalise that I don't need it, it's not good for me, I actually REALLY don't want it for numerous reasons, not actually being hungry is a big one!

It is proving to be really difficult. My hubby is back at work on night shift for four nights and I am anxious and anticipating a no so nice 4 days. My house is a bomb site. Feeling a little lonely and bored. These are all reasons I want to comfort eat, and usually I would. But that is what got me fat! I need to change my habits to better ones again. When I wasn't fat I didn't eat like this. I didn't often eat a lot after dinner, I didn't comfort eat very much or 'eat my emotions' as it is commonly said.

I found some old photos of myself from many moons ago and it is a shock to me to see what I used to look like and compare it to what I have become. Visually 35kg is huge! A friend said I look like a different person. I am just not even a shadow of that person in the photos. Over time, naturally, my life and situation have changed, a lot. Admittedly it was a life time ago, pre-kids, before pregnancy, the sleepless nights and stress took its toll on my body and mind. Really my life is nothing of what it used to be. I need to get some of those good habits back, some of the 'me' back that I used to have.

Whilst I am feeling so much more positive about this change and in the zone, I still struggle when I'm going through the really tough times, which is when I need to really focus on my goals. Like when WonderHubby is on night shifts, or when Buggity Boo wakes me two hourly at night, or wants to party at 4am. These are the times I just want to fill the void with food. It doesn't always even matter what food it is, toast, chocolate, soup....whatever. Just Eat! So I am working on being more mindful, questioning why I'm eating, if I'm not actually genuinely hungry. It's tough sometimes the answer is 'I want to', which is often when I just do. Long term habits are so tough to break, but one by one I am getting there.

Proof in the pudding is I have walked three days so far this week. I aim for every second day. In spite of any silly mummy guilt I have in leaving the kids with Hubby, or any minor food blow outs. I am working hard on, keeping on, keeping on. And in doing so I have lost 2 1/2 kg since the 9th of May. Which is pretty good. Slow and steady wins the race right?

These women. My Friends. My Saviours. My Tribe.

Having friends like mine, is a blessing.

This morning I woke in a raging bad mood. I was so tired after Buggity Boo decided he would wake two hourly to feed, The Bear woke twice for drinks and then the toilet and Little Dude decided 4.50am would be a lovely time to start the day, and woke everyone to alert them of how wonderful it was. Unfortunately I don't share his enthusiasm in waking at such an ungodly hour, particularly after such a terrible night.

Poor Bear copped the brunt of my horrid mood, after being particularly demanding and rude for well, just everything... the blanket I was snuggled under, the lounge I was snuggled on, pancakes for breakfast, wanting to sit on me because she was cold, me going to get her clothes because she was cold. (*Snaps fingers* Slave! Oh ahh, sorry... MUM.....what are you doing?! Get to it!! I want, I WANT!!!!) So, she got yelled at rather loudly and harshly, at around 6.30am when I snapped. The Hubby got up and god love him, ordered me to stop making pancakes and go back to bed. Which I very wearily did, sobbing and streaming with tears, and got 2 more glorious hours of sleep.

When I was woken again, for The Hubby to go to work, I was still tired, though not as much, but I was anticipating a bad day. My head was fuzzy, not to mention throbbing with the familiar promise of a migraine. I had a meeting I wanted to go to, but Buggity Boo fell asleep as just the right (or wrong!) time. So we ended up being an hour late. I was still on edge and anxious, on the verge of tears and not coping so well with the demands of the kids.

Not long after being at this meeting, a beautiful friend gave me a hug. Just because. She noticed I wasn't travelling so well and wrapped her arms around me. It was just what I needed. A hug from someone who knew. Who knew the tiredness and exhaustion. Who knew that *get out of my space NOW* feeling. Then a group of us went outside into the beautiful sunshine and sat around chatting while our kids played so beautifully together. Once we had to leave the meeting hall, we went to the park and had an impromptu picnic in the park. It was a really lovely way to spend the afternoon.

When we were going home, I was lagging behind a bit, and when I looked up, I saw Bear holding hands with her little friend. I saw two of my beautiful friends walking shoulder to shoulder, laughing together. I was holding the hand of Little Dude, and Buggy was fighting with all his might not to go to sleep in the pram, gazing at me with those beautiful blue, sleepy eyes.

And I just thought of how blessed I am. How amazingly utterly and truly blessed I am to have these gorgeous, strong, insightful, funny and intelligent women as friends. As people I can look to in times of need, if I need a hug, or a laugh, an answer or just to chat. They are there. I have only known them for not quite a year now, but they have carved their way into my heart. They have etched their names there, and they will always be there. I am not usually one to make friends easily. It took me over 12 months of living in this tiny remote town we call home, to find these beautiful women, or more precisely for them to find me. But boy am I lucky they did. I am so happy they found me.

The woman I want to be

Today I am not being the woman I want to be, in particular, not the wife, house wife, nor (most importantly right now) the mum I want to be. I know in my head what I *should* be doing to change that, for today, which in turn will help change it tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, but right now, I am full of 'reasons', a.k.a. excuses. I'm tired, the kids are tired, and therefore cranky, the hubby is tired. We all had a big night going to the local fair, so everyone has had minimal sleep and is in a growly mood!

The person I want to be will say yes to her kids when they ask to play Barbies or trains for the 5th time that day. She would engage and have 1:1 time with her daughter who is the only one awake out of the three children. She would take the opportunity to tidy the house whist the younger kids slept (cause it's not usually the way it goes in our house to have children sleeping!). She would talk to her hubby about things rather than snap for silly reasons. She would go for a walk and exercise to help her feel better.

But today, right now, my house is a bomb site, my kids are being ferals, my hubby and I are grumping at each other for minor inconsequential things and I am struggling to find a smile :( I'm finding it hard to get into that 'just do it' attitude. I know the steps to get where I'm going, but taking them is proving to be very difficult. Change is hard, breaking habits of many years is tough. Everything in me is resisting. But that is just it, I really just need to do it and do it for a long time and it will get easier and become a habit and then it will just be our lifestyle.

Today is the day

So today I weighed myself after being away on holidays for 3 weeks. I knew I had put on some weight, but was shocked to see the numbers on the scales.
97kg. Yep, you read right. For my 163cm frame, that sets me into the 'Obese' category according to my Body Mass Index. I will need to lose 32kg to be in the healthy range. Holy sheep shit Batman.....that's a lot of tub-a-lub to go. That's a lot of effort. And time. And commitment.
But I can do it. I will do it. I don't want to be that fat mum who can't (or won't for fear of people laughing at me or thinking how horrid I look) do thing with their kids. I don't want to embarrass my children because of my size. And I just want to enjoy living life again. I want to enjoy being me and having confidence to wear certain clothes, or be able to shop in 'normal' clothes stores and find things to fit me. I want to be able to run and not feel that horrible 'wobble' all over!
So this is it. Next time I blog here, I will be a little fitter, a little healthier and hopefully a little lighter.
I want family photos I love. I don't want to groan at the sight of myself because I was/am fat, I want to smile at the memories of the wonderful times we had.
Today it begins. Today I will change for the better. It will take time, patience, understanding (from myself and others!) But I will do it. I will be that healthy, vibrant, active woman I want to be.

Slow road to change

Ok so this is my first blog post ever. I am a blogging virgin, amongst other things. I thought a blog might help me with some changes I want to make in my life. Maybe documenting stuff and thinking about it will help me to focus and grow. Maybe not, but it's worth a try.
There are a few things I want to focus on in particular. Those being losing weight and getting fit (this is a big one!), being a better parent, and finding me. I seem to have gotten lost in the fat rolls and sleepless nights that are being a mum. I don't do alot for myself right now. It's all about my kids, doing stuff for them, being with them and life revolves around THEM!
Admittedly they are only little still; my eldest, Bear Bear (or Bear/BB)-is 5, then there's Little Dude (or Dude)- who is 3 1/2 and lastly Buggity Boo (or Buggy)- is 15months old. They all still need me. A lot. Though life is getting easier with each day.  I am finding some time in the day (most of the time) where I can sit and have a cuppa without someone demanding something. I can sit on the loo without someone 'helping' or little fists pounding on the door demanding to be let in.
But we also still have sucky days when it all turns to shit. Sleep is still an issue, or the lack of it. My children seem to be allergic to sleep until they're about 3. Buggity Boo still wakes anywhere between 2-6 times a night. Bear sleeps through most nights, and Little Dude is hit and miss, some nights he's up 2-3 times or so, some nights not at all. Most nights I'm up 3-4 times, and then we start the day at around 5-5.30am. I am so not a morning person, so 5am is a killer for me. And I need a good amount of decent sleep, which I just don't get the majority of the time.
Anyway as you could probably tell by the detail and amount I go on about it, sleep's a big issue for me. I try to ignore  it, and most days I can now, but it has caused big issues for me since becoming 'mum', post natal  and ante natal depression and anxiety being the most prominent things.
And due to all of that, I guess- becoming mum, not sleeping, developing depression and anxiety, I have lost me along the way. I have no idea who I am or what I want or like or 'do' other than being mum and wife and head 'house' honcho. But I have seen glimpses of me lately. Which is part of my inspiration for creating a blog. To figure out things for me. Not necessarily always including the kids. Or even the hubby. I need to take some control back in my life!